i gave birth

to a most beautiful, perfect baby. Who also happens to be a little girl. 

It was an incredible, hard, wonderful experience. I will post many more details and pictures soon. But, the vital information:

Baby Pearl Elizabeth

Born March 11 at 11:45 AM

7 lbs. 2 oz.

19 inches

Oh how I love her.

oldest

My dear sweet beautiful boy,

You are sound asleep in your bed. I just went in to see you and you stirred when I bent down and kissed your face. You opened your eyes and when you saw me you smiled, sat up, held your arms up to me and said, "Cuddle, Mama." I gave you a short little hug and then you plopped back down in your bed, fast asleep. The next time I see you, you will likely not be my only baby here anymore. I have been up since 2 AM with contractions and now that it is about 5:30, they are getting more and more intense and your daddy and I need to head to the hospital. I want to wait until you are awake, but since I need to get some IV antibiotics in my system before the baby comes, I feel like we should go now. Oh my boy, I feel a mix of emotion in leaving you now. I am so excited to see you become a brother, to watch your tender heart grow for this little baby, and I know you will be such a kind, gentle brother. But I also wonder if you will feel confused and a little hurt that our attention will now be a little more spread out. I want you always to know that you were my first little love, and there is a sacred spot in my heart that has been carved out by you and you will always have it. I love you, little boy. So, so much. You are my little hero.

Mama

bathing and waiting

A few Saturdays ago I woke up to pounding in the bathroom. I went to investigate and found my two boys ripping out the tile and bathtub. This was a project that we had sort of toyed around with, but I had no idea my husband was just going to go for it one morning. I think it was some form of male nesting, because he really wanted me to have a brand new bathtub to soak in during the early stages of labor and to be able to bathe our newborn in. I wasn't going to complain, that is for sure (although my nesting instincts were going completely crazy while I had to deal with the sheetrock dust and debris scattered about all through my house).

G really does think he is an indispensable asset in these projects, and he is so lucky to have a daddy that not only doesn't mind him being in the way constantly, but actually delights in teaching his little boy how to sand mud down and mix grout properly.

G wasn't exactly useful at all points of the project, however, and he was occasionally shut in his room with paints and/or play dough. But after only a few days of work and/or art projects, we have a new bathroom that looks like

this:

and G has loved taking baths

and then wrapping up in his dragon towel afterward. 

I have also greatly benefitted from this new bathroom. I would not have ever gotten in our old tub (it was so small and old, and while it worked for bathing my little boy, it was not appealing for a relaxing bath AT ALL) , and I am pretty sure I have gotten in the new bath at least daily (sometimes twice a day) for the past week. I don't often post about how truly remarkable the man that I married is, but you all should know that I am filled to the brim with gratitude for my dear husband, and to me, he sets the sun.

(Clearly I am still pregnant, in case you were curious :). Lots of contractions lately, but nothing crazy. Still just waiting. Bathing and waiting.)

place your bets

This picture was taken on Saturday at a baby shower that my sweet and beautiful neighbor threw for me. (I did NOT intend to have a baby shower this time around, but my neighbor insisted, "Every baby needs a celebration!" Between that and the surprise shower that my friends at the school had for me, I feel completely spoiled and have been overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of people around me.) Anyway, I am putting it here so you get an idea of how large this baby belly has gotten in these final days-- I don't quite have it in me to pose sideways in front of a mirror :).

As the "due date" rapidly approaches I find myself thinking about this baby's birth and subsequent life in our family more and more. As part of my hypnobabies practice I have been visualizing and creating the birth that I want in my head. The other day I was imagining the moment that the baby comes out and is placed on my chest. I was picturing how overwhelmingly joyful that moment will be and then quickly remembered that I would need to check and see if the baby is a boy or girl. Can you even imagine how exciting that moment is going to be?! It makes my heart pound just thinking about it. I am SO happy we have that thrilling time ahead of us. People think that I should have some sort of intuition about the gender, but I truly don't. At first I thought girl. Then I pulled out some little boy clothes and thought boy. I've gone back and forth a couple of times, and the truth is really that I will be so surprised either way. I know that seems strange, but picturing either gender honestly seems shocking and exciting in different ways. So, you tell me. 

What do you think this baby is, boy or girl?

Place your bets, and, if you'd like, guess the date the baby will come, too. If I am feeling generous I will send a little prize to the person who guesses the gender correctly and is closest on the date.

In case this information helps:

My husband has thought it was a boy all along.

Little G has thought it was a girl. Which is totally surprising considering his dislike for all things "girlish." 

The actual due date is March 11th. I was 5 days over my due date last time around. I have definitely been having more contractions and showing signs that my body is progressing towards labor more than I did at this point last time, but I still have absolutely zero plans of this baby coming before the due date. We are patiently waiting and feverishly cleaning and cooking freezer meals in the meantime :).

before there are two

It's strange to think that in a little over 2 weeks (give or take) I will have another child to take pictures of and write about on this blog. I hope I will still continue to appreciate and notice all of the special things about my firstborn that are uniquely his and I hope I will still have (and take) the time to write about them. Oh how I love this little boy. I have been feeling especially tender for him of late and you'll have to indulge me as I use this forum to document some of the more memorable things he's said/done recently. I just want to soak him all up and not forget a bit.

He has been really into playing "Chuck" with his daddy. "Dad, wet's pway Chuck!" means that he wants us to pile up the pillows and blankets on our bed and throw him into them. The pictures in this post are from a "Chuck" session we had over the weekend.

One morning last week (I guess it had to have been Saturday) G was in our room around 7:45 trying to entice J and me out of bed to play. He was jumping on us and singing songs. I was pretty groggy (I have been battling a sinus infection) and I vaguely heard G saying in a sing-song voice, "Daaad! Put your eyetacts on!" I had no idea what he was talking about until I woke up all the way and realized he was meaning "put your contacts in." I had a good laugh to myself about that.

Yesterday we had some orange juice and then later were eating clementines. G looked down at a slice of clementine in his hand and thoughtfully said, "We were drinking these! The water of these makes juice!" I thought it was pretty clever of him to think about that and put it all together in a way that I knew exactly what he meant. I love the way these little minds work and figure things out.
For family night this week we talked about King Noah, Abinadi, and Alma. G couldn't quite remember Alma's name and kept calling him "Elmo" which I found entertaining, but he was especially interested in King Noah. He wanted to hear the story over and over and kept talking about how King Noah wasn't happy because he didn't listen and he fired Abinadi and so on. We finished up the lesson and moved on, but a little while later G still must've had King Noah on his mind because he ran to the fridge, pulled out a bowl of leftover food and brought it to us proudly declaring, "Look! It's food King Noah!" The food in the bowl? Quinoa. Which, if you are a two-year-old and have no other reference for, sounds exactly like King Noah. Yes little boy, we sometimes eat food King Noah for dinner. And you happen to love it.
My husband is a busy man. He works two jobs (one of which starts at 3:30 AM), goes to school (which involves driving to Provo 4 times a week), and has a calling at church that is very time consuming (many hours on Sunday, plus 2-3 nights a week). Our time with him is precious, to say the least. G has started to rebel when he and I leave church on Sundays and his daddy has to stay. A few Sundays ago we were saying goodbye to J and I was carrying a reluctant little G down the hall toward the door. As we were getting further and further away from his beloved daddy, G yelled down the hall, "DAD! You DON'T live at the church!" I (along with a few other people in the hall) started laughing pretty hard about that because it is a sentiment that I can definitely understand myself.
G is really into classifying things as "girlish" and "boyish" and has been known to not want to drink out of a cup because it is "too girlish." And just so you are all aware, "girlish" things are pink, purple, and red and "boyish" things are blue, green, and yellow. Please do not get them confused.
He has been testing the limits of obedience more than he ever used to, and he has had to go to his room for short time-outs more often. Once we are to that point, he is very obedient and goes to his room and sits on his bed completely independently. After a few minutes he will yell, "I'm done thinking about it!" and come out and I will ask him what he thought about, he will tell me and then apologize. The other day at my parents' house he got sent to the other room for a variety of naughty behavior. When he came out this is what he said: "I thinked about throwing that thing and not picking it up and I thinked about calling Papa a buttsack." It was so hard for me not to laugh hysterically, but I kept a stoic face and managed to get out, "That's right. We don't throw things and we don't say "buttsack." Please go pick up the toy and tell Papa you are sorry." Buttsack??? Really??? Where did he get that?

He is very aware of stoplights and gets very upset if he thinks I am going when the light isn't green. He will be looking at a red light off to the side and get so concerned when I start driving. "Don't go Mama! Don't go!" If I go through a yellow light he gets equally upset and I find myself having to defend my driving to my two-year-old. I didn't expect to be dealing with a backseat driver at this point in my life as a mom, but holy cow, am I ever.
There are so many things to love about him (like how he calls pomegranates "pome-janets"), and definitely some things that test my patience and make me crazy, but I want to remember it all because I know how fast these phases go. I guess that is why people keep having more kids. I can't wait to experience all of my favorite stages all over again in another little person. Being a parent is a treasure.

tummy dreaming

If you have a large one of these:

(and I do)

and a nice one of these:

(and I do)

and you miss laying on your tummy so bad that it hurts,

then head to the craft store for some of this:

your husband and son can do all the measuring and slicing (and sneezing-- check out my tool wielding baby),

and pretty soon you'll have one of these:

and you can happily do this:

and not look or feel pregnant, which is kinda fun.

And if you have a two-year old, he'll surely want in on the action, too:

This little project was completely the brainchild of my thoughtful husband, and he INSISTED on making it, even when the foam was a little more pricey than I would've spent. I am lucky, I know.

cleaning my mental house

So there are these two questions that friends have asked me in comments on blog posts that I have never answered, and every time I think about it I feel like a loser. So today I am (finally) going to rid myself of the guilt and answer the questions! And instead of just answering to the people directly, I am posting the answers here because I think they may be of interest to a few more of you.

Quite some time ago my friend Lindsay (who is also a teacher) asked me if I was working. I have truthfully been meaning to post about the beautiful school that I work at for the whole year because I think everyone should know that such a place exists, but I'm only now getting around to it. So the short answer is yes, I am working. But the details are what really matter. I had never planned to go back to work after I had kids (unless I HAD to). In the summer of 2008 I talked about the Montessori training that I went to. That opportunity has blossomed, and the woman who paid for my training started an INCREDIBLE school and asked me to teach at it. The school is called the Elizabeth Academy. Click on the name and go to the website-- I love the mission of the school and believe so strongly in what we are trying to do there. Here is a little blurb about the methods and approach of the school from the website:

"The structured Montessori approach is so individualized, so adaptable and so focused on the child's need, rather than the teacher's need, or the parent's want, or the state's dollar, that the child can't help but flourish.  And yet, as the child becomes the teacher's focus, the child becomes less focused on himself and more aware and respectful of the world around him.  There is no better model, no purer way to be inspired than through a Montessori education.

Elizabeth Academy mandates legitimate inclusion-- creating a slice of the real world with a safety net of real professionals at arms length and open arms to competently and lovingly help navigate the path."

The school mimics the actual population by including a ratio of about 20% of kids that have special needs into the classrooms with their typical peers. The students have learned from each other and grown to love each other, without even really noticing the differences between them. It is really remarkable. I fit in as the "Readiness Teacher." There were a few students who weren't quite ready for the full classroom environment, kids who needed more support and structure due to their special needs. I was asked to come in and be the teacher in that small classroom. Why I said yes (other than the fact that I really loved the idea of being involved in such an incredible school)? I was able to bring my little boy along with me as a typical peer model for these kids. Little G has been able to get up and come to school with me (we are only there three mornings a week for three hours) and it has been such a blessing to have him there learning alongside me. Also amazing? The classroom is staffed with three (3!) diversely educated adults-- me (special education), Miss Maria (speech therapist), and Miss Kelly (Montessori teacher). Also amazing? The resources that we have available to us to work with these children. I am seriously constantly shocked at the materials and resources we are given. If we need something to work with a student? We can buy it. We are not limited by government funding, and the founder of the school truly wants to spare no expense to enable these children to thrive. It is really incredible. We started out with five students in my class, and have since transitioned one (who was ready) to the other classrooms, and added 4 more typical students. This was a picture of us at the beginning of the year:

Oh how I have grown to love these little people. I will miss them (all except for the cute one in the yellow shirt-- that one I am taking with me :)) when I leave in a few weeks to have my baby. I may be back next year (can you believe that they will allow me to strap my baby to my body, bring my three year old, and teach?!), but I also may not be. But I feel so grateful for the opportunity to have been affiliated with such a beautiful school. It is truly a model for how education should be, and people have begun to take notice. We have had visitors from around the nation come observe in the school, and hopefully there will be more like it popping up all around. I would feel so blessed to one day be able to send my children to a school like it.

Okay, now onto the next question. Many of you have inquired what I meant by "doing without any extra stuff" as it pertains to the birth of this baby in my belly. Yes, it is true, I am planning an unmedicated, intervention free (hopefully) birth this time around. Let me be real here-- I am not your typical hypnobirthing woman. No no, in fact, I grew up in a house with an OB/GYN as a father who spoke these words often: "Why wouldn't you want an epidural?! It's like getting your appendix taken out without any anesthesia!" So when I got pregnant the first time I didn't even think twice about getting an epidural. And honestly, I had the most incredible experience giving birth-- it truly was just about as picture perfect as I could imagine, epidural and all.

So why would I want to do things differently this time around?

Giving birth that first time made me aware of my identity as a woman, created specifically to bring babies into the world. I felt like my body had been made to give birth to babies, and I knew I could do it just like women have been doing it for thousands of years. I felt (and feel) a desire to connect with childbirth at its roots-- just me, strong and empowered, giving birth the way my body was designed to. 

I also really love the notion of controlling my body with my mind. I have been taught since I was little that I needed to use my mind to keep my natural man tendencies in check, no matter how strong the desire or appetite. And while this is a little different in that I do not in any way think that choosing an epidural makes one mentally weak, I do personally feel a strong sense of wanting to strengthen my mind and use that strength to get through something that is physically difficult.

And lastly, it really is just safer to not have an epidural. No I do not think that epidurals are typically dangerous, and yes, I would potentially consider getting one myself again one day, but still, any kind of medical intervention poses some risk. If I can give birth without submitting myself or my baby to any unnecessary risk (no matter how small), I think that is a good thing.

So I (along with my very supportive husband) am half way through a six week course in Hypnobabies training. I practice deep relaxation and positive affirmations every day. I am truly confident in my body's ability to give birth naturally, and am grateful daily for the time I am spending deep in meditation and thought as I prepare. I think about giving birth constantly and honestly, I am SO looking forward to it. I know that there is a chance that things may not go as planned, but I also know that I am doing the work that I need to now so that I can have a truly incredible experience on the day that this babe decides to come. I know some of you have used hypnobabies/birthing before and I would LOVE to hear any and all advice you have. I also know that some of you will be skeptical and doubting. That's okay, but please, don't leave comments about it because I don't want to have to put up my bubble of peace when I read them :).

over the break we...

...opened some presents.

The flashlight G found in his stocking may have been his favorite gift.

Either that or the Tinker Toys. He was SO happy about them when he ripped off that wrapping paper.

Uncle Adam gave G this awesome retro Jazz jersey that G didn't want to take off for days. He opened the rest of his presents happily in his jersey.

Love the feeling of Christmas morning that this photo exudes to me.

We spent the afternoon with J's family where G was gifted with many lovely things, but I think the tiny green candy cane may have been his favorite.

The boys playing with their puppets. (By "playing" what I really mean is tangling up the strings and getting them in many, MANY large knots.)

...played with the new lens J got me for Christmas.

(Dear f 1.8, I think I love you.)

(Actually, f 1.8, I know I love you.)

...continued to grow a large belly of baby.

I can't believe there are only 9 weeks left.

...played with our new toys.

Tinker Toy robots are pretty awesome.

...played with old friends.

Jerrod is such a good sport. He is pretty much G's favorite person in the world.

We loved getting together with some of our best buds from high school. The blizzard made it rough for people to get there so not as many made it as we would have liked, but it was so much fun to get together with some of the people that we have so much history with. 

...built a giant snowman.

G has been in love with snowmen all season, and his daddy decided he needed an enormous one right in his own front yard. I came home from a little shopping to these two boys out in the dark putting the finishing touches on this beauty.

...started and finished G's new big-boy room.

My husband may have referred to me as a "nesting nazi," but I was determined to tackle this project over the break because I knew I wouldn't get another full week with nothing to do before the baby comes. This was a huge undertaking since the bedroom had basically been being used as our storage room. We got rid of SO much stuff, tore out a built in bookshelf, primed and painted, nailed in new baseboards on one wall, moved in a new bed for G, and got it mostly decorated. I still need to hang the maps on the walls and get a lamp, but the bulk of the project is done, and it feels SO GOOD. Yay for checking things off your list!

G was insistent on helping paint, which is why we did most of it while he was napping and after he went to bed one night.

G's new bed that, of course, he HAD to help put together. Notice his tool in his hand.

Here is a sneak peak of the room. When it is all done I will post more pictures.

...loved waking up when we wanted, having lazy mornings,  and eating juice popsicles. 

I am so grateful to be teaching at a place where my boy can come with me (and it is only three days a week for three hours a day), and I will never complain about being able to make extra money, but I'm not gonna lie, it was hard to wake up on Tuesday morning. I don't know how I ever worked full-time! G and I only have a few more weeks of going to school together though, so I am going to try to enjoy it as much as I can. Soon enough I will be done and we will have two kids. Two! 

he and me

I think I've mentioned before that I was not at all nervous to have a baby. I had zero apprehension about becoming a mom and caring for a newborn. I knew I could handle it and I was just SO excited that there wasn't room for any anxiety about it. 

Baby number 2, however? 

Not so much.

It's not that I'm panicky-worried, or that I'm not excited, or that I think I can't handle it. I am SO excited to have a fresh, tiny babe to hold, and I know I can handle it. And though I am a little nervous about the kinks it will throw in our schedule at first, I know that will work itself out in time. But the real bitter in the bittersweet feelings I'm having? 

Knowing that my time with just little G is coming to an end. Oh how I have delighted in each moment of having my best buddy and favorite friend be my little boy. I have so loved taking him with me wherever I go. Truly, he has never felt like a burden and I have spent almost all of his awake hours with him-- with the exception of one night away a couple of months ago, I think I could count the number of hours that he has spent away from me in his 29 months on two hands. While there is excitement and happiness in knowing that my family is growing (which is all I've ever wanted-- to have a happy, big family), there is also the twinge of sadness that it will never again just be daddy, mommy, and baby. I have so loved being our cozy family of three. I can't help but wonder if I will be as close to my little G as I am now once I add another baby to the mix. 

I know logically that my love will only be multiplied and my heart expanded for each child that I am blessed with. I know that as we add children to our family I will feel as though my soul becomes a little more complete with each one. I know that. It makes sense to me, and I am so looking forward to those thoughts and feelings. But I also know that I will always look back on these blissful days of just my boy and me with nostalgia and reverence and gratitude for the love and beauty that just he and I got to share together. I get a lump in my throat just thinking of it all.

dear friends,

Since I've kept you all in the dark for so long, let me answer some of your questions. To be honest, it has been easy to keep this pregnancy under wraps for so long because it hasn't seemed real. My husband frequently forgets I'm pregnant, and I kind of do, too. I have not been sick AT ALL. I kept waiting for that familiar nausea to start, kept bracing myself to wake up and feel miserable, but it hasn't happened this time around. People keep telling me that maybe that means it's a girl? (More on that in a minute.) But really, I have felt so, so great-- been able to keep working out daily, and most importantly, been able to chase after my two-year-old without any ickiness. One of my big fears about pregnancy number two was not being able to take proper care of Baby G because I was too sick and tired. I have felt incredibly blessed that that has not been the case at all. 

Secondly, it has been easy to hide (and forget) because I haven't really shown a whole lot. I noticed a thickening around my waist, but at my last doctor's appointment (16 weeks) I was measuring two centimeters small and had gained less than a pound. I didn't really show with Baby G until I was between 19-20 weeks, and I just chalk it up to being tall and having lots of room for the baby to hide. No worries though, in the last week I have popped out and here is the picture to prove it:

Pretty please try to ignore the smudgy finger prints ALL OVER the mirror from the shortest member of our family. I noticed them when I was taking the picture but was too lazy to go find the Windex. Sorry.

 

And then lastly, to ease your curiosity (though it won't, actually), we do not know if the baby is a boy or girl. And we won't. Not for another 5+ months. We have decided to wait and let this little babe come to us as a surprise and I am really excited about it. Before I got pregnant I just kept thinking about how thrilling it would be to wait and find out the gender at the moment of delivery, but I wasn't sure I could handle the suspense. Now that I am pregnant, it seems easy and natural to not know. I have had an ultrasound, have seen the baby and heard the heartbeat, but I feel content not knowing more. I don't feel the same rush and yearning to know it all with this one. It's hard to explain. With Baby G I literally had ultrasounds at least monthly (usually it was more like twice a month) at my dad's office, just to go take a peek. We'd get in the car on Sundays and go to the office to say hi to the baby. As excited as I am for this little one, I don't feel the same frenzied need to read everything and see everything and know everything. I just feel peaceful about letting it all happen as naturally as possible, with as little extra stuff as possible (including at delivery, but that's a story for another time). Anyway, I know most people think we are crazy (my husband is totally on board with this whole deal), but it feels right and good and we are super excited about it. I don't personally know anyone who is still in their childbearing years who has chosen not to find out the gender while pregnant, but my mom and other relatives who didn't have the option to know with some of their babies have expressed how completely thrilling it is to have the baby and then find out who he/she is. And it sounds too good to pass up, so we are going for it.

i love this shirt

I got this shirt a little over two years ago. I was in search of some cute shirts that flattered my just-barely-gave-birth body, and I fell in love with the color, style, and super soft material of this one. Not to mention that it still had the original tags on (I've told you before that I do almost all clothes shopping for myself at second hand stores, right?), so I bought it without even trying it on. I got it home and tried it on. I still loved the color and material, but the style? Holy moly, the last thing to do when you are trying to NOT look pregnant is to buy a shirt with pleats over the waist. I had hoped that when my flat tummy returned the shirt would work, but no, even with my pre-pregnancy stomach this lovely shirt still managed to make me look like I was at least 5 months with child. So into the deep recesses of my closet it went, with the promises of being retrieved when I was ready to start showing off a belly full of baby once more.

Two years later and the shirt has been pulled out. We're pretty happy about it.

*Baby coming in early March

**Yes, that does make me almost 4 1/2 months along. Don't feel bad, we didn't really tell anyone until I was around 14 weeks.