to go or stay

I haven't really been taking photos with my camera lately and I think it's because of my love affair with instagram. The good thing about that is that I feel like I might actually have a chance at catching up on all of the stuff that I STILL have yet to blog about from months ago. I was going to start with posting about our Beach trip, but I keep having these thoughts that I need to just write down some other stuff first.

(All of the photos in this post are from a day last summer where we were out working on the chicken coop. The light was good so I got the camera out. I love these little faces and never posted them, so here they are now, completely irrelevant, but included nonetheless.)



My children are at such easy ages. Pearl will be two next month and I can't believe how easy it is to have two children that you can reason with and explain things to. If she cries in the middle of the night I can have a conversation with her about how it's still night time and that I'll come back and get her when it's light outside and she'll stop crying and sweetly say, "Okay Mama," and roll over and go back to sleep. George went through a little bit of a phase when he first turned 4 where he was pushing limits and testing boundaries much more than he ever had. I felt challenged as his mother to find a healthy balance between giving him some autonomy and expecting obedience. In the last few months he seems to have settled into himself more. I don't feel him pushing against me, testing my patience the way he was before.  I have just had the thought over and over again lately that both kids are in places where my job feels pretty darn easy and smooth right now. I know this won't last forever and there will be hurdles for us all to get through together in the future, but sometimes right now I feel like I want 14 more kids just like them.



Speaking of which, I can't believe how much I'd love to have another baby come to our family soon. I've actually wanted another baby since Pearl was 4 months old (craziness that I cannot explain), but recently the feelings of desire for that are so intense that my heart feels a little smothered. Hopefully the time for our family will be right soon.




Also sort of speaking of which, we are moving. Probably to Oregon, but possibly to New Zealand. John was accepted to PhD programs in both places (among others, but those were our top 2 choices), and now is the time where we are really buckling down to try and make the decision that is best for our family. There are so many things to consider in this. Oregon State makes the very most sense-- it is the number one place to be in the nation for what John is studying (as in, the advisor that has accepted him is the only Endowed Chair at his position in all of the world, which brings with it a host of perks and benefits), it is in a super cool town (Corvallis) with excellent schools and safe neighborhoods, it is within driving distance to come home and visit our families which is a huge thing, and we've felt really good about Oregon since John was first thinking about PhD programs 2 years ago. The opportunity in New Zealand was a more recent development and John actually was not expecting to get the offer to come there. When it came we were totally shocked and I spent an entire afternoon, my heart excitedly pounding, searching for reasonable rentals in Auckland. The program in NZ is very good, the advisor is a well-respected and known scientist, and the adventure of it all, oh the adventure of it all. That is the main thing that pulls us in that direction. How can we turn down that opportunity?! It would be so hard for us to be that far away for that long (3 or 4 years), but it also would be a once in a lifetime experience for our family that I know we would end up loving. So we weigh the pros and the cons. Oregon State wins that battle, but it still is tough to let go of the idea of NZ. We kind of keep coming back to this though: academically, graduating from Oregon State would make John competitive to get any job he wanted at the end of all of this. And that is what we are doing it for-- the future. The opportunities and training and technology available at OSU are superior. And we will get to see our families more. But what would you do? Are we crazy to not take the opportunity in NZ? We are hopeful that if we decide to go to OSU, we will still have options to live abroad at another point during John's schooling (either during his PhD for a few months at a time doing research somewhere or while he does a post doc). John and I spend most of our free time going back and forth about this; I asked him the other day what we would talk about once we had made the decision. I'm sure we'll find something :).



Pearl just woke up. I brought her out by me where she saw a mini flag and started reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. I had no clue she knew that. We recite it at school each morning, but I had no clue she was catching on to all of those words. Sort of entertaining to hear this tiny person squeaking out, "to the 'public, which it stands, wif liberty, justice for all!"


I guess that's it for now.

while i nurse pearl...

... George helps himself to a snack. Strawberries. The entire carton. Minus the top halves.


I love this view because it shows exactly what I saw when I went out to the living room to see what he was doing and why he was so quiet. He's just lounging on the couch enjoying his snack quietly by himself, discarding the parts he doesn't want on the coffee and end tables.


This is why I will wash and cut the tops off of the strawberries from now on before they are put away in the refrigerator.


Along with eating strawberries by the half, George does things that make me laugh every day. He tells elaborate stories, asks thoughtful questions, and still loves to cuddle. He is so curious about what letters spell and is constantly saying things like, "Mom, what does G-P-E-T-O-O-L spell?" He is getting the hang of writing his name and he loves to point out letters that are "his" (meaning in his name) wherever we go.

George loves reading (by reading I mean having them read to him) the scriptures and is the first to remind us to do so before we put him to bed. He is fascinated by the stories of Ammon, Abinidi, the Stripling Warriors, Noah and the Ark, and Nephi. We are trying to reinforce that it is really cool to be the good guys, but George isn't totally convinced; he loves the parts of the stories where people use swords and arrows and often says he'd rather be Laman than Nephi when acting out a story. We're working on it :).

John and I found ourselves backpedaling one day when George overheard a conversation we were having about Satan and asked about him. We tried to explain who Satan was and what he did, but all that ended up happening was George sobbing about a scary man that lives in a really dark place where there is never any light who tries to make people be mean and do bad stuff. "Does he live in our town?" he kept wailing, and we were like, "NO! Just forget about him!" which is why we tried to tell him that he lived far away in a dark place (outer darkness, ya know?), but that was so scary for his little mind, too. Ummm, how do you explain Satan to a three-year-old? We calmed him down by reminding him that Heavenly Father could help him feel better and peaceful and asked if he wanted to say a prayer. He did, and there haven't been Satan tears since, but there have still been questions. I guess we're still working on that one, too. How have you taught your little children about this? Have you? Maybe three is too young.

Another thing we have had a hard time conveying to George's inquisitive little mind is the Holy Ghost. We explained it to him and have talked about how it is a feeling of peace and safety and that The Holy Ghost can come to you when you are scared or need comfort. He was okay with that until one day he was alone in the car for a few minutes while I ran in the house and got scared. When I got back out to the car (I was literally inside for less than a minute) George was sobbing hysterically. I hugged him and tried to soothe him but he just kept sobbing, "I said a prayer to Heavenly Father and I thought the Holy Ghost would come, but he didn't!" which of course made me feel like a failure as a parent. I told him the Holy Ghost would come if he was scared, and with his perfect faith, he believed me. But how was he supposed to understand that the person who is the Holy Ghost would not likely actually come to him in the only way that would have made sense to him (an actual being coming to him when he called)? I know that this is actually a really sweet and endearing (maybe even a little funny) story, but it has actually caused me quite a bit of heartache. I can't bear confusing him and losing his trust, and all I can think about is how I will do better to provide him with experiences where he can feel the Holy Ghost, where I can explain to him what that is, and hope that he will understand. Do you guys have experience with this? I would love to know how you have explained these really not-concrete things to your young children.

While it may sound like we are spiritually failing our son right and left :), one place that I think he does have a pretty good grasp is prayer. Somehow he understands that he can talk to his Heavenly Father (and, *wince* don't think I am apostate, but Heavenly Mother, too) through a prayer and that he will be heard. He prays constantly. Almost daily I hear him in the backseat saying things like, "Heavenly Father, please don't let a big storm come to our town, okay Heavenly Father, OKAY?" And then he will announce, "He said okay!" So far we haven't run into any issues with something happening that he had prayed wouldn't happen, but I am sure that conversation is not too far down the road. How do you explain to a toddler that yes, Heavenly Father will always answer your prayers, but sometimes it might not seem like it because it may not be answered in a way we would expect or hope? Agh, this parenting stuff is not for the faint of heart. It makes me weary just thinking of it all.

So I have put all this out there and I know that there are some people (dear people that I love) that may think, "So if you can't even know how to teach your child about God, or how to answer a three-year-old's questions about how the Holy Ghost works, how can you actually believe in these things, how can you perpetuate these confusing concepts onto your child?" And to them I would say with all of the sincerity and honesty in my heart this: while I don't necessarily know all of the best ways to convey these things to my children right now,  I truly do know that teaching them about God and their spiritual natures will eventually bring them more answers than I ever could, that it will be the key to finding peace when they are confused, that it will offer them hope and light when anything or everything else fails them. I don't always know how to teach them about these things, but I know that if I don't, if I don't do my very best to at least try, I will be failing to give them the one thing in life that I am 100% sure of: my knowledge that they are children of divinity, that they have access to happiness and peace and love bigger than anything hard or scary that may come their way. Even if I don't always know how to teach them, I know that I must teach them. And I know that I, too, have access to Heavenly Help as I seek to care for and nurture these precious little souls that have been entrusted in my care. I could not do this whole motherhood thing if I wasn't sure of that.

cleaning my mental house

So there are these two questions that friends have asked me in comments on blog posts that I have never answered, and every time I think about it I feel like a loser. So today I am (finally) going to rid myself of the guilt and answer the questions! And instead of just answering to the people directly, I am posting the answers here because I think they may be of interest to a few more of you.

Quite some time ago my friend Lindsay (who is also a teacher) asked me if I was working. I have truthfully been meaning to post about the beautiful school that I work at for the whole year because I think everyone should know that such a place exists, but I'm only now getting around to it. So the short answer is yes, I am working. But the details are what really matter. I had never planned to go back to work after I had kids (unless I HAD to). In the summer of 2008 I talked about the Montessori training that I went to. That opportunity has blossomed, and the woman who paid for my training started an INCREDIBLE school and asked me to teach at it. The school is called the Elizabeth Academy. Click on the name and go to the website-- I love the mission of the school and believe so strongly in what we are trying to do there. Here is a little blurb about the methods and approach of the school from the website:

"The structured Montessori approach is so individualized, so adaptable and so focused on the child's need, rather than the teacher's need, or the parent's want, or the state's dollar, that the child can't help but flourish.  And yet, as the child becomes the teacher's focus, the child becomes less focused on himself and more aware and respectful of the world around him.  There is no better model, no purer way to be inspired than through a Montessori education.

Elizabeth Academy mandates legitimate inclusion-- creating a slice of the real world with a safety net of real professionals at arms length and open arms to competently and lovingly help navigate the path."

The school mimics the actual population by including a ratio of about 20% of kids that have special needs into the classrooms with their typical peers. The students have learned from each other and grown to love each other, without even really noticing the differences between them. It is really remarkable. I fit in as the "Readiness Teacher." There were a few students who weren't quite ready for the full classroom environment, kids who needed more support and structure due to their special needs. I was asked to come in and be the teacher in that small classroom. Why I said yes (other than the fact that I really loved the idea of being involved in such an incredible school)? I was able to bring my little boy along with me as a typical peer model for these kids. Little G has been able to get up and come to school with me (we are only there three mornings a week for three hours) and it has been such a blessing to have him there learning alongside me. Also amazing? The classroom is staffed with three (3!) diversely educated adults-- me (special education), Miss Maria (speech therapist), and Miss Kelly (Montessori teacher). Also amazing? The resources that we have available to us to work with these children. I am seriously constantly shocked at the materials and resources we are given. If we need something to work with a student? We can buy it. We are not limited by government funding, and the founder of the school truly wants to spare no expense to enable these children to thrive. It is really incredible. We started out with five students in my class, and have since transitioned one (who was ready) to the other classrooms, and added 4 more typical students. This was a picture of us at the beginning of the year:

Oh how I have grown to love these little people. I will miss them (all except for the cute one in the yellow shirt-- that one I am taking with me :)) when I leave in a few weeks to have my baby. I may be back next year (can you believe that they will allow me to strap my baby to my body, bring my three year old, and teach?!), but I also may not be. But I feel so grateful for the opportunity to have been affiliated with such a beautiful school. It is truly a model for how education should be, and people have begun to take notice. We have had visitors from around the nation come observe in the school, and hopefully there will be more like it popping up all around. I would feel so blessed to one day be able to send my children to a school like it.

Okay, now onto the next question. Many of you have inquired what I meant by "doing without any extra stuff" as it pertains to the birth of this baby in my belly. Yes, it is true, I am planning an unmedicated, intervention free (hopefully) birth this time around. Let me be real here-- I am not your typical hypnobirthing woman. No no, in fact, I grew up in a house with an OB/GYN as a father who spoke these words often: "Why wouldn't you want an epidural?! It's like getting your appendix taken out without any anesthesia!" So when I got pregnant the first time I didn't even think twice about getting an epidural. And honestly, I had the most incredible experience giving birth-- it truly was just about as picture perfect as I could imagine, epidural and all.

So why would I want to do things differently this time around?

Giving birth that first time made me aware of my identity as a woman, created specifically to bring babies into the world. I felt like my body had been made to give birth to babies, and I knew I could do it just like women have been doing it for thousands of years. I felt (and feel) a desire to connect with childbirth at its roots-- just me, strong and empowered, giving birth the way my body was designed to. 

I also really love the notion of controlling my body with my mind. I have been taught since I was little that I needed to use my mind to keep my natural man tendencies in check, no matter how strong the desire or appetite. And while this is a little different in that I do not in any way think that choosing an epidural makes one mentally weak, I do personally feel a strong sense of wanting to strengthen my mind and use that strength to get through something that is physically difficult.

And lastly, it really is just safer to not have an epidural. No I do not think that epidurals are typically dangerous, and yes, I would potentially consider getting one myself again one day, but still, any kind of medical intervention poses some risk. If I can give birth without submitting myself or my baby to any unnecessary risk (no matter how small), I think that is a good thing.

So I (along with my very supportive husband) am half way through a six week course in Hypnobabies training. I practice deep relaxation and positive affirmations every day. I am truly confident in my body's ability to give birth naturally, and am grateful daily for the time I am spending deep in meditation and thought as I prepare. I think about giving birth constantly and honestly, I am SO looking forward to it. I know that there is a chance that things may not go as planned, but I also know that I am doing the work that I need to now so that I can have a truly incredible experience on the day that this babe decides to come. I know some of you have used hypnobabies/birthing before and I would LOVE to hear any and all advice you have. I also know that some of you will be skeptical and doubting. That's okay, but please, don't leave comments about it because I don't want to have to put up my bubble of peace when I read them :).

mostly just tell me what to do with my hair

We partook in at least three Thanksgiving feasts. I was so busy eating that I didn't really take many pictures of the festivities except for these few of our early Thanksgiving in Idaho.

Best turkey I've ever had, Grandpa. Seriously. You wish your grandpa could cook like mine, I promise.

G licked the whipped cream off the beaters.

I love how no one is looking at each other in this picture. We were clearly all way too busy staring at our plates and stuffing our faces to engage in social interaction around the table.

And then, of course, some football was watched. The best part of this picture? J holding G's frankenstein spatula. That spatula seriously goes with us everywhere. G sleeps with it every night. Perhaps the best purchase my mom has ever made for G.

On the actual day of Thanksgiving we hopped in the car and headed south to eat with some of J's family in St. George. The food was delicious, the company was fantastic, the weather was divine, but I took exactly zero photos of it all. J snapped this one of some of the little kids out in the backyard playing in the waterfall. G was in heaven with his stick pretending to be fishing. He was soaking wet by the time we had to leave, and I'm positive that was the highlight of his entire Thanksgiving.
We left St. George and continued south to Las Vegas for one of my little sister's soccer tournaments. We had so much fun playing, watching Hannah's team win the whole tournament, and enjoying the warm temperatures, but again, I failed to even take my camera out with us once. I did get this really awesome picture of G in the hotel though, which makes up for all the other pictures I didn't take.

Did you notice that I am in exactly zero of those pictures? That has a little to do with the fact that I really didn't care about taking pictures in general over the weekend (obviously), but more to do with the fact that I could not stand my hair and I felt entirely unattractive most of the time. It was at that really awkward length of not short or long and I was tempted to chop it all off myself. Instead I waited and let my fabulous stylist (and cousin) get to work on it when I got home. It's short. Really short. I can't decide for sure how I feel, but it is definitely better than it was. I am kind of starting to miss long hair, but I can't figure out how I'll ever get it long again because that would require me to suffer through that awkward stage. Have any of you done that? Here is a picture of the current length. Short, huh? Yay or nay? Should I try to grow it out, or am I destined to have short hair forever more? Very important, not-at-all-superficial questions, I know :).

a little help, please

Okay, I know this is an awkward picture. Trust me though, it would've been even more awkward if I would've tried to hold my bulky camera out in front of me to take it. 

Anyway, I need some opinions about my hairdo. (Side note: Baby G calls all hair a "hairdo." As in, "No Mama! No do my hairdo!" when I comb his hair.) So a couple of months ago I cut 8 inches off. This is the shortest my hair has been in years. And I have really liked it. I thought I might miss my long hair, but no, I really haven't at all. And now I am wondering... should I go even shorter? I am feeling tempted to cut a couple more inches off and go up to my chin. Bad idea? I can't decide. I kinda just want to go for it. Also, I think I might be ready for a more straight across bang, less of the swoop. Another bad idea? We all know that I am not the best judge of fashion and/or style, so please, save me from myself if you think it would be a bad move.