Friday, January 20, 2012

feeling like an outlier

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I have debated about whether or not it is necessary for me to add my (published-on-my-blog) voice to this topic, and after thinking about it all day today, I've decided to write about it. Mostly because I sort of feel like I'm on an island when it comes to this topic and I'm wondering why I feel so differently than most of my friends (at least the ones who've spoken up) about something that we're all so invested in. I'm wondering if by adding a different perspective I'll find that some of you actually do feel the same way that I do and I'll feel a little less weird about not being sure why I feel differently. So here we go.

The topic I'm referring to is the Huffington Post article written by Glennon Melton called Don't Carpe Diem (click on title to link to the article-- and if you haven't read it yet you'll probably want to before you read my post so you'll understand what I'm talking about). I don't often read links that people post on Facebook, but after about a dozen (literally) of my friends linking to it with such (SUCH) high praise for it, I clicked over.

I immediately knew I didn't love it the way everyone else did. I immediately started questioning myself and wondering why the author's sentiments did not resonate with me the way that they did with some of my dearest friends.

(A quick disclaimer: can we agree on the fact that either side (resonating with it or not resonating with it) is perfectly acceptable? I understand and respect that everyone who posted about it felt validated and uplifted by Melton's words, and I hope they would understand and respect that all this is is me feeling differently, not me feeling like what I feel is a superior. Let's all still be friends, K?)

As I've thought about it today, there are about 4 things that I keep coming back to that help me understand why I (and maybe some of you?) might not relate to the opinions in the article.

The first thing (and the most insignificant to me), is that I actually really appreciate and value it when someone tells me to enjoy the time I have with my children. I never hear the message "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" I simply hear someone who has been in my spot before saying, "Hey look, I know there can be rough patches, but as a whole, these years of your life as a mother to young children are such a little blip of time and then they are over and you'll look back on them with such fondness and happiness and gratitude that YOU got to be the mother, that it was YOU that had the opportunity to spend your days in such a meaningful way." I hear someone who maybe feels a little nostalgic for the days of her past when she was the one with the screaming kids in the cart. Really. And I don't think she's trying to tell me that I can't feel frustrated and overwhelmed and frazzled at those screaming cart moments, just that all of it, the exhausting and invigorating, the frustrating and the glorious, will add up to the sum of our days as Mother and once we are on the other side of them, they'll seem to have gone too fast. I just hear someone else who is in this sorority of motherhood reminding me that it truly is the most beautiful blessing. And I'm always grateful for the reminder.

Another reason I've thought of that perhaps explains why I don't relate to the article as a whole is because of my own childhood and mother. Again, I don't want this to sound like people who don't mother/feel the way my mom and I do are inferior or don't love their kids as much or something (ridiculous!). I am simply stating that the way my mom mothered has influenced the way I mother. And so the fact that I knew so 100% clearly that her children were her delight and joy, that she wanted us with her constantly, that I never EVER heard one word of complaint about taking care of us, that she almost never took vacations without us because she would just rather have us with her, those things all have influenced me. I also had the sort of rare experience of watching, as a teenager, my mother be a mama to new babies. I watched her drive my carpool to school the day after she had come home from the hospital with my new baby sister, and now I look back on that and wonder why she didn't seem exhausted or overwhelmed-- she had a 3 day old baby to care for now in addition to the 4 of us, and she just took it all in stride like she was made for it. (She was.) After watching her find such incredible joy in the days of her motherhood it is not hard for me to understand why I love it so much too.

On that same note, I have been taking care of babies for a long time. Like, really taking care of them. When I was 9, my baby sister and I shared a room as soon as she was old enough (probably 3-4 months) to move out of the bassinet in my parents' room. From then on out, my mom never had to wake up in the night with her because I did it. If she woke up crying, I'd pick her up and bring her to bed with me. If she needed to nurse, I'd bring her to my mom and then she'd end up back in bed with me after my mom had returned her to her crib. She was my baby. I've wondered if the early (and constant) exposure to taking care of babies that I loved (I had two more baby sisters after that first one) helped me to be equipped to take many of the challenges of motherhood more in stride-- I had been blessed with 3 dress rehearsals before I had the real thing :).

So, those reasons above are things I've thought about, but they aren't actually what I think are the main reasons that the article didn't resonate with me. These final two things seem more significant to me.

I am not that hard on myself. I don't need someone telling me that it's okay to not feel guilty for not enjoying every moment, because I don't feel guilty if I don't enjoy a moment. I have never thought that I am supposed to be reveling in all of the tough moments as a mother-- I know they are going to be there, and I know I am going to get through them (hopefully with some amount of grace), and when they are over, I'll be glad we got through them and move on. It never occurred to me to feel "guilty and panicky" (the author's words) for not loving moments that aren't really intended to be loved. Does that make sense? I still love motherhood, and feel like I am truly soaking in these fleeting days with my children, but if I am feeling overwhelmed and frustrated in a moment where my child is pushing boundaries, I am fine with that. That is an okay time to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. I don't feel any guilt for not enjoying that specific moment. I just am not that hard on myself. Sometimes I actually feel like I am a little too easy on myself. Which leads me to my last thought...

I much prefer (and need) people to expect things from me than for people to tell me that I am fine just the way I am. I need people to hold me to a higher standard, and I think it is because of what I said above, that I am not that hard on myself. This was first evident to me in a church setting. I have never been able to relate to the talks or lessons (usually specific to women) about how we need to be gentler with ourselves or stop expecting so much of ourselves. I have come to realize and appreciate that there are many women who value those sentiments because they are genuinely quite hard on themselves, and need that reminder. I feel like I need the opposite though, and end up feeling patronized by the "be patient with yourself, you are good enough" lessons. I want (and need) talks about how much better I could be doing, about how great and valuable my contribution could be if I'd just put forth a better effort. So when I read in the article about how trying to enjoy every moment "just doesn't work" for the author, I felt that same feeling of someone telling me that I am fine just the way I am, that I shouldn't worry about trying to be better. I know that wasn't the author's point (and again, I feel like her point is valid and I'm happy that it resonates with so many), but that is what I felt from it.

I also felt conflicted by the idea of segmenting time into Chronos of Kairos because I feel like I should be making a valiant effort every day of turning Chronos into Kairos, of seeing and feeling the beauty in the small bits of our lives. Obviously I'm not talking about turning the moment where your 4 year old chops up your curtains with scissors into Kairos (though actually you totally could if you wanted :)), because that is an okay time to feel frustrated and angry and to not feel guilty about it (am I repeating myself enough here?). But mostly, I WANT to live in Kairos, and I WANT people to want that for me, not to tell me that it isn't possible or worth trying for. I think it is.

Do any of these thoughts ring true for any of you? I'd also love to hear thoughts from those of you who loved the article. Do I seem totally off base? What was is specifically about the article that you loved? I hope I haven't muddled my words too much or made anyone feel judged or inferior. That was not my intention at all. Just wanted to express my thoughts and opinion. We can still love each other, I hope :).

Thursday, January 12, 2012

the days leading up to

I know I write this pretty much every time I blog, but you guys! The posts! They pile up so quickly and I can't seem to catch up. Just keep plugging away, I tell myself. So, here we go. All the stuff leading up to Christmas.

One of the things I really try to do in December is make homemade gingerbread houses. I never liked gingerbread houses until I realized that I could make my own from scratch instead of buying a kit. Then it became this delightfully drawn-out December tradition that feels sort of ceremonious and eventful to me. This year I quadrupled the batch so my little sisters and mom could join in and have a house, too.
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I loved how all of the unassembled houses looked. So much potential in those cut-out cookies!
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Using fruit roll-ups to mimic stained glass for windows is one of my favorite tricks.
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This was a project that was mostly just for George and me. Pearl was a little too destructive and grabby this year, and she didn't mind just sitting close by and eating the candy instead :).
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Here are a few shots of the final product. I especially love the Mini Charleston Chew bricks and the Tootsie Roll wood pile.
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My little sister Rachel made this cute house and I loved how the Chocolate Frosted Mini-Wheats turned out on the roof. I never got a picture of my Mom's creation (and it was seriously awesome) because she finished a few days after us and never remembered to go back and take a picture. Blast.
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One of the other fun things we did in December was go to the Christmas program for our school. George and Pearl both had darling little songs to sing and do actions to and I loved how completely unintimidated they both were up on that stage in front of everyone. Pearl was especially delightful because she was (by far) the littlest one up there and she owned it. Seriously cute.

See her there in the Mrs. Claus jammies (this was a Polar Express program so all the kids wore pajamas) totally working out those actions?
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And I love this one of her doing the "he knows when you're a-WAKE!" part of the song. That was her specialty. And then a photo of me with my kids since we are all at EA together.
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Here's George and his friends doing a little Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
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They pretty much wore these jammies every night in December. 
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Grandma and Grandpa were there to watch the kids, along with my parents and siblings (they just had to leave right after the program to soccer practices and YW so I didn't get any photos with them). So many people adore these two kids-- they are lucky little people.
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We also visited with Santa a few times in December, and George really loved it. Pearl actually did really well with the whole thing considering how scary this experience could potentially be. She just kind of looked at him, slightly unsure, but totally go-with-the-flow. 
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Let's skip right ahead to Christmas Eve, shall we?

On Christmas Eve morning we decided to have a breakfast with John's family instead of trying to run around to everyone's houses on Christmas Day (plus we were all leaving to The Beach together on Christmas, so we thought we should simplify the other festivities). 

George and Logan were pretty happy about spending the morning together.
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Lisa prepared a most delicious spread of gourmet breakfast delicacies. No picture, but trust me. We were all happy, even if Topher ruined her crepes :). (They weren't ruined, by the way.)
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The kids had a table all to themselves and especially enjoyed the Lil' Smokies.
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I am not quite sure why (maybe just for fun? Or did we use coconut for something, Lis?) the boys got to try their hands at scraping out a coconut. George did it for about 37 seconds.
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Logan did it for about 47 seconds. So Lisa stepped in and finished the job. Like she is known to do. Being productive is one of her many specialties.
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Then it was time to open presents, yay! Pearl was seriously delighted by this stuffed penguin. I love her giant, joyful smile.
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A few of the other gift highlights:
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Baby Stockton was too little to be in on any of the action, so he gets his own little spot. Hi cute little baby! Have I mentioned that I want a newborn? A lot.
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I seriously love his little sly smile in this first one. So dang cute.
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We bid one side of the family farewell and headed over to another for the evening. We first made cookies for Santa (George was very insistent about that). Two kinds, in case Santa is picky.
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Pearl was quite thrilled to lick the beater.
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In the late afternoon we (brilliantly) decided to do our typical Christmas Eve night activities right then so we could get home a little earlier than normal to let our kids at least attempt a decent night of sleep. We opened our pajamas and the one present from the person who drew our name this year. George got the highly coveted opportunity to have my dad draw his name and was lead on a scavenger hunt around the house to the garage where he was surprised with a new car (a Power-Wheels Mini Cooper).
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Pearl was just happy to be around and included in on all of the fun.
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But she was not forgotten in the gift-getting, and Madeline thrilled her with a little shopping cart that she can push around by herself. She is obsessed with doing things that grown-ups do and gets so mad when I have to help her push the big grocery carts around at stores, so this was a seriously perfect present.
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So perfect that she got a little impatient while Daddy was assembling it and started yelling in frustration.
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She spent the next several hours with her shopping cart.
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Later that night we had our annual Christmas Eve party with my Mom's family which is always one of my favorite things in the world (so favorite that I didn't even take my camera out once to take a photo). It was awesome though, promise.

Then we changed G&P into their new jammies and headed home to put them to bed.
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Exhausted little ones went right to sleep and John and I were able to put the finishing touches on our presents before Santa came. John banished me to the living room for a little while so he could wrap his gifts for me, so I took a hundred pictures of the lights on our Christmas tree. There was nothing else to do :).

Santa came, oh yes he did.
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