remember the smiling

George drew this picture for me yesterday:



I love it so much for a bunch of reasons (what is not to love about a 3 year-old version of his family?), but I think mostly because it paints (draws) such an accurate portrait of what our lives have looked like for the past couple of weeks. The brown person is me, and as you maybe could guess, that is Baby Pearl sitting in my lap. George is the guy drawn in black, his hand stretched out to hold mine. And the little guy on the end is someone that George said was a "weird stranger." Not exactly sure why the weird stranger made the portrait and Daddy didn't, but we went with it, and it is hanging on the fridge proudly.

Pearl has been a sick little girl the last two weeks. It has been a very strange bout of illness; we get rid of one thing and another immediately begins. It started with some random throwing up (George and I also both threw up, but that was even more random so I don't think they were related). She struggled to have an appetite for anything other than breastmilk, and for a few days that is the only thing she ate at all. She had a low-grade fever on and off. Then the coughing and the runny nose started. She would cough so hard at night that I was sure she was going to wake herself completely up, but she always managed to stay asleep. Bless her little heart. Then last Friday she woke up absolutely screaming at about 6 AM. The grabbing at her right ear told me immediately that she had an ear infection. She has tubes in both ears, and within about an hour, sure enough, the right ear started draining. As soon as we got to the parking lot of the doctor's office that morning she threw up (random, seriously, because at this point she hadn't thrown up in 6 days). I stripped her down, wrapped her in a big blanket, and ran through the falling snow into the doctor's office where my baby immediately remembered the shots that had been administered to her just a couple weeks prior there, and was clingy and weepy anytime anyone tried to come near her. The prescription the doctor gave me started out awesome because Pearl really loved taking it, but quickly turned into a nightmare because of the yeast infection that it gave her. It was so bad, and Nystatin wouldn't touch it. I was having to rinse her little bum off after every diaper change because wiping it hurt too badly. Meanwhile her right ear is draining blood and nastiness. By day 6 of the antibiotics I had had it. I couldn't keep doing it to her-- the ear seemed to be under control, but the yeast infection was raging, so I decided to stop giving her the antibiotic. The next day she wouldn't go to sleep for more than 30 seconds if she wasn't in my arms. She would scream hysterically and then she started grabbing her left ear. I was seriously devastated at the thought that she was now getting an ear infection in her other ear. Like clockwork, the left ear started draining, and I knew. That was yesterday. I was so happy to talk to the ENT and find out that stopping the oral antibiotics a day early wouldn't have made a difference in the ear infection (well, actually, I was a little mad to find out that the yeast infection should have never happened because she should have never been on an oral antibiotic for her ear infection in the first place-- just the drops), so we started the drops in the other ear (so both ears, now), and the draining has definitely decreased. Pearl is still not herself, but she is doing pretty well, all things considered. She mostly just wants me, though yesterday she really wanted my mom to rock her to sleep, which was a nice break for a minute.

 I love that in his picture, George drew Pearl on my lap because that is pretty much where she has been every waking moment of the last two weeks. She is also portrayed with a sad face instead of a smile, and it's true-- she has been so much more sad, whiney, screamy, and needy. She doesn't feel good. Poor little baby girl. He also said that he drew her ears really big to show the ear infection (it appears that I was given big ears as well :)).

I am relieved that he drew me with a smile on my face. There have been times in the past couple of weeks that a frown would be more accurate, but I'm glad that isn't something that has really stood out to him. I am also really happy that he drew himself holding hands with me. I have been more impatient with him, and less attentive to him because of Pearl's neediness, and I've felt badly about it. He's been heard crying, "I never get to do anything fun!" because it was bedtime instead of frisbee playing time. He's had to compete for attention over Pearl's insistent screams with screams of his own, and in turn, I get frustrated. I am so happy that he still wants to hold my hand. I'm so grateful that in the car tonight he told me that I was his best friend, and that at lunch today when I told him I was the luckiest mama in the world because I have the best boy and the best girl, that his happy reply to his sister was, "That's me and you, Peng!" I'm so happy that he is still smiling, both in his picture and in life. He is my little guinea pig child, the one that I have to learn and grow and succeed and fail right along with, and I hope he always knows that my greatest desire, the purest yearning of my heart, is that he feels happy, safe, and loved.

I hope when he is all grown up and thinking back on his childhood, the picture that he paints of himself is one where he is smiling. I hope he remembers the giggles under the covers instead of the stern counting to three to get him to obey. I hope he remembers the games of tag on trampolines where we both fall down from exhaustion and laughing instead of the times he got sent to his room to "think about it."

Mostly I just really hope he remembers that in our home there was a lot of joy, a lot of laughter, a lot of love, a lot of peace, and a lot of smiling. It's a good reminder to me that I need to be constantly aware of cultivating that atmosphere here, even when I don't really feel like it.

tubes for our penguin

The only two names that George EVER calls his sister by are "Pearlenguin" and "Penguin." Really. I have never heard him call her Pearl. If you ask him, he thinks her real name is Pearlenguin, and then nonchalantly adds, "But I just call her Penguin." The history of these nicknames dates back to when I was pregnant and we didn't know if the baby was a boy or a girl. It is kind of a long story, so I'm not going to get into it, but somehow, Pearlenguin stuck and is now just Penguin. I guess there is the occasional "Lenguin" or "Pengy" or "Lengy," but never Pearl or anything like it. A n y w a y...

Our Penguin has had a problem with fluid in her ears since she was 4 months old. This causes ear infections, and although she was never in any noticeable pain, there were infections (says the doctor), which means there were antibiotics. I am really not a fan of antibiotics, but I also didn't want my baby suffering with an earache that I was oblivious to. 3 rounds of antibiotics later (trust me, I was not happy about this and neither was Pearl), the fluid was still persistent. The recommendation from our pediatrician (who I really love and trust) was to proceed with the minor surgery to place tubes in her ears. I wasn't too concerned about the ear infections-- they didn't seem to bother Pearl and so I wouldn't have gotten the tubes if that was the only problem. The main concern, however, was that with the fluid in her ears constantly she could not hear and process sounds clearly. This is a major concern with speech and language development, and I really didn't want to risk the fluid negatively impacting her normal development.

So on November 4th our little Pea Baby had the tubes put in. The night before we let George sleep at my parents' house because we had to be to the hospital really early the next morning. It was weird not having to divide our attention and John and I had so much fun just soaking up all the time alone with our baby girl. Individually we get one on one time with Pearl, but we rarely get to enjoy just her when both of us are there. It was so much fun, and we had such a lovely night together.

We gave her a bath and then just sat in her room and played with her.

She was so sweet and I think she liked not having to share her parents with her brother for a night :).

While I was nursing her to sleep John was able to place his hands on her little head and give her a blessing of health and comfort. I am in love with those tender moments of parenting and caring for our children with my husband. No pictures of that (obviously), but here are some of Pearlie with John and me that night. I love the one of her with John.

The next morning we woke Pearl up before the sun had risen and drove to the hospital.

She was such a happy baby for how little sleep she had gotten. She started in her jammies and ended up in a little hospital gown. Cutest thing ever. The best part is that they let me keep it. No idea what I will do with a tiny hospital gown, but I love that I have it.

Her foot was hooked up to an oxygen monitor and she was loving the built-in cord to play with and chew on.

We played with her for a little while in the room while we waited for them to be ready for her.

Then we walked her to the OR, gave her a little kiss, and handed her off to the nurse. I wondered if I would be sad or worried at this part (even though this is a routine surgery, it is still MY baby going back there to be put to sleep), but I was fine. We were then walked to a little room where we watched ESPN and drank juice.

A nurse brought her to me as soon as she woke up. She was groggy and could barely open her eyes, but she was pretty unhappy. She wasn't crying hard, but was just so obviously confused and sad. I asked if I could nurse her immediately and they told me I could. I know you already know this about me, but holy cow, I love nursing my babies. I love that I am the only person in the world who could offer that kind of comfort and nourishment to my baby right then, fresh out of surgery. Breastfeeding is one of my all-time favorite things in life right now.

The doctor came and talked with us and told us how everything had gone. Things went smoothly (aside from her oxygen levels getting really low when she was nursing), and Pearl fell asleep right as they cleared us to leave. It was kind of bad timing because she woke up when I unlatched her and put her in her car seat. And as you can see, she was not a happy girl.

After one sad day Pearl was pretty much back to normal. I have no idea if the tubes are working or not. No clue. She seems the same to me, but I also never knew that she had ear infections. We go back to the ENT for her follow up appointment tomorrow and I am so hoping that there is no fluid and that things look good. Wish us luck!

still raining (outside and in)

Still throwing up. Once Wednesday. Twice yesterday. Three times today. I'm no genius, but it seems to me that this is getting worse, not better. I am mad at myself for letting him be sick for so long without doing anything about it, but I really did think he was getting better. His symptoms keep coming and going (for days at a time) and it throws me off. Went to the doctor (finally) yesterday. It's been two and a half weeks of a sick boy and I am growing weary.  Weary of cleaning up body fluids, yes, but mostly weary of seeing my baby sick and not knowing what is wrong. The wondering is stressful and exhausting. As we speak tests are being run to see what is up. I am keeping my fingers crossed that we will have some answers tomorrow. Saying lots of prayers that we can start to get this baby healthy and back to himself. I think he is okay, but I just want to get him eating and keeping food down to know that he will gain some weight back. He is looking so skinny, with a big bloated tummy. The good news is he's still happy.

And so sweet.

And extra cuddly.

And we adore him more than ever. The other good news is that he has thrown up enough over the past two weeks that I can predict it coming and can get him to the sink or toilet in time to avoid having to clean up carpet or sheets or furniture. I'm pretty happy about that :). I'm feeling hopeful that tomorrow is a new day and maybe he will be feeling better. I'll let you know.

scenes from a sickhouse

I spoke too soon. Last time I posted I was sure that Baby G was getting better. He was acting much better and wanting to eat everything in sight, so I though he was on the mend. I guess he wasn't because I was still cleaning up throw-up on Friday. This has been a pretty crazy illness. I haven't really been sure what to do because I don't ever know if he is still sick or not. I am thinking that he is getting better for real this time because he has had two days with no symptoms, but knowing my luck he will be losing his lunch tomorrow. We'll keep our fingers crossed though, because this time I think it's the real deal. Here are a few of the pictures we took over the past week or so of our sick boy.

He spent more time than I'd like to admit watching TV. We almost never have the TV on during the day normally, and I felt pretty guilty propping my child's head up with pillows so he could see Zoobomafoo, but what else can you do when you have a little kid that is so sick that he doesn't even want to lift his head up?

He spent at least 5 days straight without getting out of his pajamas or getting his hair combed.

We had a rainstorm one of the days and I lifted him up to the window so he could see the rain coming down. He immediately started asking for his raincoat and boots, and since he hadn't really moved out of my bedroom at all that day I figured a little fresh air might be good for him. He had fun, but only lasted a few minutes. He didn't have the energy to stomp in puddles. Notice that he still has his pjs on.

One of the Sundays (all the days are kind of a blur) Baby G's aunt, uncle, and cousin stopped by to drop off some Pedialite freezer pops. We were out in the living room talking and Baby G came toddling out to see what was going on. He was so sweet and just stood there looking at us like, "What are you guys doing out here without me?" Then his cousin Logan (who is 4 months older) read him a story.

This is my favorite picture of them all. Notice the million sippy cups scattered all over our room. A sure sign of parents trying to keep their child from getting dehydrated.

Baby G lounged like this on everything and everyone. He is always pretty cuddly, but it was kind of funny to see him just constantly lay down wherever he was because he didn't have any energy. 

This picture was taken before I wrote the last post about Baby G wanting a burger and fries. He hadn't kept anything down (or wanted to eat) for four days and we went up to my parents house to visit. He took one look at the fresh chunky salsa and started begging for some chips. I don't know how many two-year-olds love fresh salsa (the kind that is basically just chunks of tomatoes, peppers, and onions), but Baby G went to town shoveling as much of it into his mouth as he could.

Baby G has been super into playing "basey-ball" lately. We were going to buy him a t-ball set and then we discovered that he could hit the ball when it was pitched to him (which totally shocked me). Anyway, he wanted to get outside and play, but again, had no energy to stand there and swing. So he sat. It made hitting a little more difficult, but it did the job.

Apparently this illness is going around, but I will hope that this is the end of it for us and that none of your children get it :).

a series of unfortunate events

The past two weeks with Baby G have been rough. He has gotten pounded with one thing after another. Here is the list:

• throw up--luckily this was only once, but if quantity counts for anything this was a doozy... he covered me, the ottoman, himself, and the floor
• diarrhea--very unpleasant, resulting in way too many diaper changes, resulting in
• his first diaper rash-- oh, it was bad. It was so bad. He would flex his little bum cheeks and start whining whenever I'd even begin to take off his clothes to change him. We spent two days at home all day just so that we could leave his diaper off and just rinse his bottom instead of wiping
• fever-- we thought this was due to teething, and his gums seemed sore for a day or so, but now we're not so sure
• stuffy/runny nose-- seriously, the kid cannot breathe when he nurses. He has to periodically yank his mouth off just to catch his breath. It is both sad and funny
• cough-- a horrible ailment that makes it much harder to stay asleep and has resulted in
• a raspy voice-- which is actually very cute and pretty much the only redeeming thing about any of this

So after almost a week and a half of this (I thought he was just teething mixed with a bad cold so I didn't worry too much) I decided to call his pediatrician. They said to bring him in just because it wasn't getting better. So I did. And they found

• an earache-- I had considered that he may have one, but ruled it out because he did not seem to be in any pain at all and wasn't pulling at his ears a bit. The doctor said that it actually had just started which made me feel a lot better about not getting him in sooner. Poor little guy.

While Baby G has definitely not been himself over the past 2 weeks (fussier and more needy-- he cries if left alone in a room for even a second), he hasn't really been that bad either. The doctor who saw him was shocked at how smiley and cooperative he was with her for being as sick as he was. He really has been an angel and it has been really difficult not to know how to help him get back to feeling like himself. He is on antibiotics for the ear infection and seems to be on the mend. We will keep praying for that because I am growing weary (and so is he)... after a couple of months of sleeping soundly through the night he is back to waking up a few times and needing J or I to go help him get back to sleep.

Why can't someone just invent a vaccine for all of this already?