to go or stay

I haven't really been taking photos with my camera lately and I think it's because of my love affair with instagram. The good thing about that is that I feel like I might actually have a chance at catching up on all of the stuff that I STILL have yet to blog about from months ago. I was going to start with posting about our Beach trip, but I keep having these thoughts that I need to just write down some other stuff first.

(All of the photos in this post are from a day last summer where we were out working on the chicken coop. The light was good so I got the camera out. I love these little faces and never posted them, so here they are now, completely irrelevant, but included nonetheless.)



My children are at such easy ages. Pearl will be two next month and I can't believe how easy it is to have two children that you can reason with and explain things to. If she cries in the middle of the night I can have a conversation with her about how it's still night time and that I'll come back and get her when it's light outside and she'll stop crying and sweetly say, "Okay Mama," and roll over and go back to sleep. George went through a little bit of a phase when he first turned 4 where he was pushing limits and testing boundaries much more than he ever had. I felt challenged as his mother to find a healthy balance between giving him some autonomy and expecting obedience. In the last few months he seems to have settled into himself more. I don't feel him pushing against me, testing my patience the way he was before.  I have just had the thought over and over again lately that both kids are in places where my job feels pretty darn easy and smooth right now. I know this won't last forever and there will be hurdles for us all to get through together in the future, but sometimes right now I feel like I want 14 more kids just like them.



Speaking of which, I can't believe how much I'd love to have another baby come to our family soon. I've actually wanted another baby since Pearl was 4 months old (craziness that I cannot explain), but recently the feelings of desire for that are so intense that my heart feels a little smothered. Hopefully the time for our family will be right soon.




Also sort of speaking of which, we are moving. Probably to Oregon, but possibly to New Zealand. John was accepted to PhD programs in both places (among others, but those were our top 2 choices), and now is the time where we are really buckling down to try and make the decision that is best for our family. There are so many things to consider in this. Oregon State makes the very most sense-- it is the number one place to be in the nation for what John is studying (as in, the advisor that has accepted him is the only Endowed Chair at his position in all of the world, which brings with it a host of perks and benefits), it is in a super cool town (Corvallis) with excellent schools and safe neighborhoods, it is within driving distance to come home and visit our families which is a huge thing, and we've felt really good about Oregon since John was first thinking about PhD programs 2 years ago. The opportunity in New Zealand was a more recent development and John actually was not expecting to get the offer to come there. When it came we were totally shocked and I spent an entire afternoon, my heart excitedly pounding, searching for reasonable rentals in Auckland. The program in NZ is very good, the advisor is a well-respected and known scientist, and the adventure of it all, oh the adventure of it all. That is the main thing that pulls us in that direction. How can we turn down that opportunity?! It would be so hard for us to be that far away for that long (3 or 4 years), but it also would be a once in a lifetime experience for our family that I know we would end up loving. So we weigh the pros and the cons. Oregon State wins that battle, but it still is tough to let go of the idea of NZ. We kind of keep coming back to this though: academically, graduating from Oregon State would make John competitive to get any job he wanted at the end of all of this. And that is what we are doing it for-- the future. The opportunities and training and technology available at OSU are superior. And we will get to see our families more. But what would you do? Are we crazy to not take the opportunity in NZ? We are hopeful that if we decide to go to OSU, we will still have options to live abroad at another point during John's schooling (either during his PhD for a few months at a time doing research somewhere or while he does a post doc). John and I spend most of our free time going back and forth about this; I asked him the other day what we would talk about once we had made the decision. I'm sure we'll find something :).



Pearl just woke up. I brought her out by me where she saw a mini flag and started reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. I had no clue she knew that. We recite it at school each morning, but I had no clue she was catching on to all of those words. Sort of entertaining to hear this tiny person squeaking out, "to the 'public, which it stands, wif liberty, justice for all!"


I guess that's it for now.

christmas in february

We had Christmas. And it was lovely and happy and fun. We had church at 9:00 that morning so I worried that we would be rushed to get through all of the traditional Christmas morning stuff (and we needed to go up to my parents' house right after church), but it actually wasn't that way at all. The kids woke up early and snuggled in Pearl's rocking chair while Daddy got the video camera out and ready.

Our babies opened some presents.

George's favorite thing was probably his Ninjago Lego set, and Pearl's was her stroller. It was so much fun to watch her toddle in and out of the room pushing it.

A close second for George was his robe; he had been asking for one like his dad's for months. I love that you can see Pearl cuddling her new baby doll in this photo as well.

The kids finished opening their presents and then I realized we had forgotten to do stockings- a true tradition travesty as those are always first. We emptied them anyway, and it was actually sort of fun for George to think he was done opening presents and then have a few more in his stocking.

Christmas morning faces.

I was pretty excited about the present that I got for John. It was a box full of books about insects. A couple of them were more fieldwork reference books, but a couple of them were these beautiful insects as artwork books that I knew he would love. The beetles were important because that is the insect he is hoping to study for much of his PhD. He was totally surprised (I had given him some wacky, misleading clues :)) and happy.

We got ready and went to church, which I think should be an annual part of Christmas. It was so lovely to spend a portion of our morning thinking so purposefully about why we celebrate Christmas. John was one of the speakers in our meeting, and I loved his words so much. My family came to church with us so they could hear John (and also so we could all have our Christmas morning stuff together-- their church would've been at 11:00 right in the middle of our festivities). Here are Madeline, Rachel, and George outside of our chapel after the meeting, and then a picture of our little family as well. I knew I wanted a picture of us in front of our church-- this building (and all of the people associated with it) has been such an enormous part of the happiness and love we've found in our neighborhood here. I've had the blessing of serving in the Relief Society presidency here for 3 1/2 years now, and John has been in the bishopric for 2 years and the experiences and opportunities that we've had (individually and as a family) because of our callings are things that I hope I'll always remember. 

After church we got our jammies back on (really) and went up to my parents' house for a second "Christmas Morning."

Pearl immediately found her shopping cart from the night before, slapped a purse around her shoulder, and was off. This was the year of grown-up gifts in little people sizes so she could do it "all by self", which is of extreme importance to that independent little friend.

Another highlight for Pearl was the box of giant bugs that she received. Heaven. I cannot believe how much she loves bugs. She goes through them labeling and categorizing, "Praying Mantis. Beetle. Lady Bug. Scorpion. Spider."

Oooo, a Rhinoceros Beetle! Thrilling! Look at her face :).

Here's a good look at her with some of her creatures. I seriously love this about her.

George got an Angry Bird and Pearl sobbed when he wouldn't give it to her. So unfair.

She also sobbed (SOBBED) when she discovered that the doll that my mom gave her made actual crying sounds when she squeezed it. The first two sounds are happy-- laughing and then saying, "Mama." She was okay with those-- excited even.

But the next two sounds were traumatic. The baby whimpers and then full-on cries. She could not handle it. 

Oh, she looks so heartbroken in that last picture! She hastily handed the baby to me and cried, "Take it away! Take it away!" So sad. And a tiny bit funny :).

The remainder of the day consisted of playing games,

trying out new sleeping bags,

wearing matching pajamas,

and driving new cars.

(Pearl started out interested in a ride, but quickly discovered that she was not a fan of her brother's crazy driving.)

I love this grin. He was having so much fun.

See ya later!

We didn't spend time on Christmas Day with John's family because we all left to spend the week together at the beach that night. Those posts are coming next. Probably.

feeling like an outlier

 

I have debated about whether or not it is necessary for me to add my (published-on-my-blog) voice to this topic, and after thinking about it all day today, I've decided to write about it. Mostly because I sort of feel like I'm on an island when it comes to this topic and I'm wondering why I feel so differently than most of my friends (at least the ones who've spoken up) about something that we're all so invested in. I'm wondering if by adding a different perspective I'll find that some of you actually do feel the same way that I do and I'll feel a little less weird about not being sure why I feel differently. So here we go.

The topic I'm referring to is the Huffington Post article written by Glennon Melton called Don't Carpe Diem (click on title to link to the article-- and if you haven't read it yet you'll probably want to before you read my post so you'll understand what I'm talking about). I don't often read links that people post on Facebook, but after about a dozen (literally) of my friends linking to it with such (SUCH) high praise for it, I clicked over.

I immediately knew I didn't love it the way everyone else did. I immediately started questioning myself and wondering why the author's sentiments did not resonate with me the way that they did with some of my dearest friends.

(A quick disclaimer: can we agree on the fact that either side (resonating with it or not resonating with it) is perfectly acceptable? I understand and respect that everyone who posted about it felt validated and uplifted by Melton's words, and I hope they would understand and respect that all this is is me feeling differently, not me feeling like what I feel is a superior. Let's all still be friends, K?)

As I've thought about it today, there are about 4 things that I keep coming back to that help me understand why I (and maybe some of you?) might not relate to the opinions in the article.

The first thing (and the most insignificant to me), is that I actually really appreciate and value it when someone tells me to enjoy the time I have with my children. I never hear the message "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" I simply hear someone who has been in my spot before saying, "Hey look, I know there can be rough patches, but as a whole, these years of your life as a mother to young children are such a little blip of time and then they are over and you'll look back on them with such fondness and happiness and gratitude that YOU got to be the mother, that it was YOU that had the opportunity to spend your days in such a meaningful way." I hear someone who maybe feels a little nostalgic for the days of her past when she was the one with the screaming kids in the cart. Really. And I don't think she's trying to tell me that I can't feel frustrated and overwhelmed and frazzled at those screaming cart moments, just that all of it, the exhausting and invigorating, the frustrating and the glorious, will add up to the sum of our days as Mother and once we are on the other side of them, they'll seem to have gone too fast. I just hear someone else who is in this sorority of motherhood reminding me that it truly is the most beautiful blessing. And I'm always grateful for the reminder.

Another reason I've thought of that perhaps explains why I don't relate to the article as a whole is because of my own childhood and mother. Again, I don't want this to sound like people who don't mother/feel the way my mom and I do are inferior or don't love their kids as much or something (ridiculous!). I am simply stating that the way my mom mothered has influenced the way I mother. And so the fact that I knew so 100% clearly that her children were her delight and joy, that she wanted us with her constantly, that I never EVER heard one word of complaint about taking care of us, that she almost never took vacations without us because she would just rather have us with her, those things all have influenced me. I also had the sort of rare experience of watching, as a teenager, my mother be a mama to new babies. I watched her drive my carpool to school the day after she had come home from the hospital with my new baby sister, and now I look back on that and wonder why she didn't seem exhausted or overwhelmed-- she had a 3 day old baby to care for now in addition to the 4 of us, and she just took it all in stride like she was made for it. (She was.) After watching her find such incredible joy in the days of her motherhood it is not hard for me to understand why I love it so much too.

On that same note, I have been taking care of babies for a long time. Like, really taking care of them. When I was 9, my baby sister and I shared a room as soon as she was old enough (probably 3-4 months) to move out of the bassinet in my parents' room. From then on out, my mom never had to wake up in the night with her because I did it. If she woke up crying, I'd pick her up and bring her to bed with me. If she needed to nurse, I'd bring her to my mom and then she'd end up back in bed with me after my mom had returned her to her crib. She was my baby. I've wondered if the early (and constant) exposure to taking care of babies that I loved (I had two more baby sisters after that first one) helped me to be equipped to take many of the challenges of motherhood more in stride-- I had been blessed with 3 dress rehearsals before I had the real thing :).

So, those reasons above are things I've thought about, but they aren't actually what I think are the main reasons that the article didn't resonate with me. These final two things seem more significant to me.

I am not that hard on myself. I don't need someone telling me that it's okay to not feel guilty for not enjoying every moment, because I don't feel guilty if I don't enjoy a moment. I have never thought that I am supposed to be reveling in all of the tough moments as a mother-- I know they are going to be there, and I know I am going to get through them (hopefully with some amount of grace), and when they are over, I'll be glad we got through them and move on. It never occurred to me to feel "guilty and panicky" (the author's words) for not loving moments that aren't really intended to be loved. Does that make sense? I still love motherhood, and feel like I am truly soaking in these fleeting days with my children, but if I am feeling overwhelmed and frustrated in a moment where my child is pushing boundaries, I am fine with that. That is an okay time to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. I don't feel any guilt for not enjoying that specific moment. I just am not that hard on myself. Sometimes I actually feel like I am a little too easy on myself. Which leads me to my last thought...

I much prefer (and need) people to expect things from me than for people to tell me that I am fine just the way I am. I need people to hold me to a higher standard, and I think it is because of what I said above, that I am not that hard on myself. This was first evident to me in a church setting. I have never been able to relate to the talks or lessons (usually specific to women) about how we need to be gentler with ourselves or stop expecting so much of ourselves. I have come to realize and appreciate that there are many women who value those sentiments because they are genuinely quite hard on themselves, and need that reminder. I feel like I need the opposite though, and end up feeling patronized by the "be patient with yourself, you are good enough" lessons. I want (and need) talks about how much better I could be doing, about how great and valuable my contribution could be if I'd just put forth a better effort. So when I read in the article about how trying to enjoy every moment "just doesn't work" for the author, I felt that same feeling of someone telling me that I am fine just the way I am, that I shouldn't worry about trying to be better. I know that wasn't the author's point (and again, I feel like her point is valid and I'm happy that it resonates with so many), but that is what I felt from it.

I also felt conflicted by the idea of segmenting time into Chronos of Kairos because I feel like I should be making a valiant effort every day of turning Chronos into Kairos, of seeing and feeling the beauty in the small bits of our lives. Obviously I'm not talking about turning the moment where your 4 year old chops up your curtains with scissors into Kairos (though actually you totally could if you wanted :)), because that is an okay time to feel frustrated and angry and to not feel guilty about it (am I repeating myself enough here?). But mostly, I WANT to live in Kairos, and I WANT people to want that for me, not to tell me that it isn't possible or worth trying for. I think it is.

Do any of these thoughts ring true for any of you? I'd also love to hear thoughts from those of you who loved the article. Do I seem totally off base? What was is specifically about the article that you loved? I hope I haven't muddled my words too much or made anyone feel judged or inferior. That was not my intention at all. Just wanted to express my thoughts and opinion. We can still love each other, I hope :).

the days leading up to

I know I write this pretty much every time I blog, but you guys! The posts! They pile up so quickly and I can't seem to catch up. Just keep plugging away, I tell myself. So, here we go. All the stuff leading up to Christmas.

One of the things I really try to do in December is make homemade gingerbread houses. I never liked gingerbread houses until I realized that I could make my own from scratch instead of buying a kit. Then it became this delightfully drawn-out December tradition that feels sort of ceremonious and eventful to me. This year I quadrupled the batch so my little sisters and mom could join in and have a house, too.

I loved how all of the unassembled houses looked. So much potential in those cut-out cookies!

Using fruit roll-ups to mimic stained glass for windows is one of my favorite tricks.

This was a project that was mostly just for George and me. Pearl was a little too destructive and grabby this year, and she didn't mind just sitting close by and eating the candy instead :).

Here are a few shots of the final product. I especially love the Mini Charleston Chew bricks and the Tootsie Roll wood pile.

My little sister Rachel made this cute house and I loved how the Chocolate Frosted Mini-Wheats turned out on the roof. I never got a picture of my Mom's creation (and it was seriously awesome) because she finished a few days after us and never remembered to go back and take a picture. Blast.

One of the other fun things we did in December was go to the Christmas program for our school. George and Pearl both had darling little songs to sing and do actions to and I loved how completely unintimidated they both were up on that stage in front of everyone. Pearl was especially delightful because she was (by far) the littlest one up there and she owned it. Seriously cute.

See her there in the Mrs. Claus jammies (this was a Polar Express program so all the kids wore pajamas) totally working out those actions?

And I love this one of her doing the "he knows when you're a-WAKE!" part of the song. That was her specialty. And then a photo of me with my kids since we are all at EA together.

Here's George and his friends doing a little Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

They pretty much wore these jammies every night in December. 

Grandma and Grandpa were there to watch the kids, along with my parents and siblings (they just had to leave right after the program to soccer practices and YW so I didn't get any photos with them). So many people adore these two kids-- they are lucky little people.

We also visited with Santa a few times in December, and George really loved it. Pearl actually did really well with the whole thing considering how scary this experience could potentially be. She just kind of looked at him, slightly unsure, but totally go-with-the-flow. 

Let's skip right ahead to Christmas Eve, shall we?

On Christmas Eve morning we decided to have a breakfast with John's family instead of trying to run around to everyone's houses on Christmas Day (plus we were all leaving to The Beach together on Christmas, so we thought we should simplify the other festivities). 

George and Logan were pretty happy about spending the morning together.

Lisa prepared a most delicious spread of gourmet breakfast delicacies. No picture, but trust me. We were all happy, even if Topher ruined her crepes :). (They weren't ruined, by the way.)

The kids had a table all to themselves and especially enjoyed the Lil' Smokies.

I am not quite sure why (maybe just for fun? Or did we use coconut for something, Lis?) the boys got to try their hands at scraping out a coconut. George did it for about 37 seconds.

Logan did it for about 47 seconds. So Lisa stepped in and finished the job. Like she is known to do. Being productive is one of her many specialties.

Then it was time to open presents, yay! Pearl was seriously delighted by this stuffed penguin. I love her giant, joyful smile.

A few of the other gift highlights:

Baby Stockton was too little to be in on any of the action, so he gets his own little spot. Hi cute little baby! Have I mentioned that I want a newborn? A lot.

I seriously love his little sly smile in this first one. So dang cute.

We bid one side of the family farewell and headed over to another for the evening. We first made cookies for Santa (George was very insistent about that). Two kinds, in case Santa is picky.

Pearl was quite thrilled to lick the beater.

In the late afternoon we (brilliantly) decided to do our typical Christmas Eve night activities right then so we could get home a little earlier than normal to let our kids at least attempt a decent night of sleep. We opened our pajamas and the one present from the person who drew our name this year. George got the highly coveted opportunity to have my dad draw his name and was lead on a scavenger hunt around the house to the garage where he was surprised with a new car (a Power-Wheels Mini Cooper).

Pearl was just happy to be around and included in on all of the fun.

But she was not forgotten in the gift-getting, and Madeline thrilled her with a little shopping cart that she can push around by herself. She is obsessed with doing things that grown-ups do and gets so mad when I have to help her push the big grocery carts around at stores, so this was a seriously perfect present.

So perfect that she got a little impatient while Daddy was assembling it and started yelling in frustration.

She spent the next several hours with her shopping cart.

Later that night we had our annual Christmas Eve party with my Mom's family which is always one of my favorite things in the world (so favorite that I didn't even take my camera out once to take a photo). It was awesome though, promise.

Then we changed G&P into their new jammies and headed home to put them to bed.


Exhausted little ones went right to sleep and John and I were able to put the finishing touches on our presents before Santa came. John banished me to the living room for a little while so he could wrap his gifts for me, so I took a hundred pictures of the lights on our Christmas tree. There was nothing else to do :).

Santa came, oh yes he did.