feeling like an outlier

 

I have debated about whether or not it is necessary for me to add my (published-on-my-blog) voice to this topic, and after thinking about it all day today, I've decided to write about it. Mostly because I sort of feel like I'm on an island when it comes to this topic and I'm wondering why I feel so differently than most of my friends (at least the ones who've spoken up) about something that we're all so invested in. I'm wondering if by adding a different perspective I'll find that some of you actually do feel the same way that I do and I'll feel a little less weird about not being sure why I feel differently. So here we go.

The topic I'm referring to is the Huffington Post article written by Glennon Melton called Don't Carpe Diem (click on title to link to the article-- and if you haven't read it yet you'll probably want to before you read my post so you'll understand what I'm talking about). I don't often read links that people post on Facebook, but after about a dozen (literally) of my friends linking to it with such (SUCH) high praise for it, I clicked over.

I immediately knew I didn't love it the way everyone else did. I immediately started questioning myself and wondering why the author's sentiments did not resonate with me the way that they did with some of my dearest friends.

(A quick disclaimer: can we agree on the fact that either side (resonating with it or not resonating with it) is perfectly acceptable? I understand and respect that everyone who posted about it felt validated and uplifted by Melton's words, and I hope they would understand and respect that all this is is me feeling differently, not me feeling like what I feel is a superior. Let's all still be friends, K?)

As I've thought about it today, there are about 4 things that I keep coming back to that help me understand why I (and maybe some of you?) might not relate to the opinions in the article.

The first thing (and the most insignificant to me), is that I actually really appreciate and value it when someone tells me to enjoy the time I have with my children. I never hear the message "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" I simply hear someone who has been in my spot before saying, "Hey look, I know there can be rough patches, but as a whole, these years of your life as a mother to young children are such a little blip of time and then they are over and you'll look back on them with such fondness and happiness and gratitude that YOU got to be the mother, that it was YOU that had the opportunity to spend your days in such a meaningful way." I hear someone who maybe feels a little nostalgic for the days of her past when she was the one with the screaming kids in the cart. Really. And I don't think she's trying to tell me that I can't feel frustrated and overwhelmed and frazzled at those screaming cart moments, just that all of it, the exhausting and invigorating, the frustrating and the glorious, will add up to the sum of our days as Mother and once we are on the other side of them, they'll seem to have gone too fast. I just hear someone else who is in this sorority of motherhood reminding me that it truly is the most beautiful blessing. And I'm always grateful for the reminder.

Another reason I've thought of that perhaps explains why I don't relate to the article as a whole is because of my own childhood and mother. Again, I don't want this to sound like people who don't mother/feel the way my mom and I do are inferior or don't love their kids as much or something (ridiculous!). I am simply stating that the way my mom mothered has influenced the way I mother. And so the fact that I knew so 100% clearly that her children were her delight and joy, that she wanted us with her constantly, that I never EVER heard one word of complaint about taking care of us, that she almost never took vacations without us because she would just rather have us with her, those things all have influenced me. I also had the sort of rare experience of watching, as a teenager, my mother be a mama to new babies. I watched her drive my carpool to school the day after she had come home from the hospital with my new baby sister, and now I look back on that and wonder why she didn't seem exhausted or overwhelmed-- she had a 3 day old baby to care for now in addition to the 4 of us, and she just took it all in stride like she was made for it. (She was.) After watching her find such incredible joy in the days of her motherhood it is not hard for me to understand why I love it so much too.

On that same note, I have been taking care of babies for a long time. Like, really taking care of them. When I was 9, my baby sister and I shared a room as soon as she was old enough (probably 3-4 months) to move out of the bassinet in my parents' room. From then on out, my mom never had to wake up in the night with her because I did it. If she woke up crying, I'd pick her up and bring her to bed with me. If she needed to nurse, I'd bring her to my mom and then she'd end up back in bed with me after my mom had returned her to her crib. She was my baby. I've wondered if the early (and constant) exposure to taking care of babies that I loved (I had two more baby sisters after that first one) helped me to be equipped to take many of the challenges of motherhood more in stride-- I had been blessed with 3 dress rehearsals before I had the real thing :).

So, those reasons above are things I've thought about, but they aren't actually what I think are the main reasons that the article didn't resonate with me. These final two things seem more significant to me.

I am not that hard on myself. I don't need someone telling me that it's okay to not feel guilty for not enjoying every moment, because I don't feel guilty if I don't enjoy a moment. I have never thought that I am supposed to be reveling in all of the tough moments as a mother-- I know they are going to be there, and I know I am going to get through them (hopefully with some amount of grace), and when they are over, I'll be glad we got through them and move on. It never occurred to me to feel "guilty and panicky" (the author's words) for not loving moments that aren't really intended to be loved. Does that make sense? I still love motherhood, and feel like I am truly soaking in these fleeting days with my children, but if I am feeling overwhelmed and frustrated in a moment where my child is pushing boundaries, I am fine with that. That is an okay time to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. I don't feel any guilt for not enjoying that specific moment. I just am not that hard on myself. Sometimes I actually feel like I am a little too easy on myself. Which leads me to my last thought...

I much prefer (and need) people to expect things from me than for people to tell me that I am fine just the way I am. I need people to hold me to a higher standard, and I think it is because of what I said above, that I am not that hard on myself. This was first evident to me in a church setting. I have never been able to relate to the talks or lessons (usually specific to women) about how we need to be gentler with ourselves or stop expecting so much of ourselves. I have come to realize and appreciate that there are many women who value those sentiments because they are genuinely quite hard on themselves, and need that reminder. I feel like I need the opposite though, and end up feeling patronized by the "be patient with yourself, you are good enough" lessons. I want (and need) talks about how much better I could be doing, about how great and valuable my contribution could be if I'd just put forth a better effort. So when I read in the article about how trying to enjoy every moment "just doesn't work" for the author, I felt that same feeling of someone telling me that I am fine just the way I am, that I shouldn't worry about trying to be better. I know that wasn't the author's point (and again, I feel like her point is valid and I'm happy that it resonates with so many), but that is what I felt from it.

I also felt conflicted by the idea of segmenting time into Chronos of Kairos because I feel like I should be making a valiant effort every day of turning Chronos into Kairos, of seeing and feeling the beauty in the small bits of our lives. Obviously I'm not talking about turning the moment where your 4 year old chops up your curtains with scissors into Kairos (though actually you totally could if you wanted :)), because that is an okay time to feel frustrated and angry and to not feel guilty about it (am I repeating myself enough here?). But mostly, I WANT to live in Kairos, and I WANT people to want that for me, not to tell me that it isn't possible or worth trying for. I think it is.

Do any of these thoughts ring true for any of you? I'd also love to hear thoughts from those of you who loved the article. Do I seem totally off base? What was is specifically about the article that you loved? I hope I haven't muddled my words too much or made anyone feel judged or inferior. That was not my intention at all. Just wanted to express my thoughts and opinion. We can still love each other, I hope :).

and to all a good night

Still sifting and sorting through Beach photos, but I wanted to post about all of our Christmas festivities first, before they are too much a thing of the past.

The Christmas season went too fast for me this year. I love everything about the month of December-- I love the snow, the infusions of red in my wardrobe (and those of my children), the opportunities to think of the Savior so constantly, the merry music wherever I go, that driving around neighborhoods to look at lights is so full of wonder and magic, that there are so many excuses to bake up something delicious. And, I may be the only person that feels this way, but I also really love the hustle and bustle of it all. I know so many people who lament the crowded malls and feverish shoppers at this time of year (my husband is one of them), but I love all of that. I honestly delight in the mall parking lot being so full and busy because it means there will be many people inside buying gifts and the crowds really do just add to my jolliness. My husband does not understand this, but it is true. I just love every little detail about this season and I love taking it all in and rolling with it rather than fighting against it. It is fun for me to be pushing my way down the aisles of Toys-R-Us along with 107 other people because it feels like we are all united in this special little club of craziness and mayhem to find the right gift to give someone you love. I know, it's a little weird.

All of that just to say that I love December and Christmas and, while not all-inclusive, this post will hopefully give me a little taste of that happiness to look back on and remember how glorious this season was and how happy Christmas is when you have a 3 year old boy named George and a 9 month old girl named Pearl.

One of the traditions that I have come to love is the annual party we have with some of our dearest friends from high school. I feel so grateful to still know and love these people that I share so many memories with. Getting together doesn't happen often enough, but when it does we have so much fun. I love that John is friends with all of these people, too. This year Matt and Sadie hosted and it was such a perfect night. Here is a picture of us all crowded together in the corner of Matt's living room :).

While we were at Matt's house some of the boys started talking about playing basketball (they all used to play Jr. Jazz together in junior high and high school), and I had the thought to have whoever could make it come up to my parents' house the next day (which happened to be Christmas Eve) and play. I am thinking this should also become a tradition. It was so much fun to sit and watch all these boys play together again. Fond memories for me, for sure.

Pearl and I watching Daddy and the others play from the window above the sport court.

Excuse the blur. The subjects did not really hold still and the light was pretty bad.

After the basketball players left (except for my husband, he stayed) we began making preparations for our annual Christmas Eve party with my mom's side of the family. This is definitely one of my most favorite things about Christmas. I am never disappointed by this party :). So much laughing that our tummies hurt and our eyes water. Also, delectable food.

And just because this is what I can pretty much be found doing at some point during each and every event that we attend:

I believe this was just after a leg lamp (a la A Christmas Story) was opened.

And my favorite photo from the party is this one of George and Parke with what they opened during our gift exchange. Mustaches and a blow up tongue, respectively.

After all the guests left we had our Christmas Eve traditions with my family. We opened our jammies and the present we got from the person who had our name this year. These blurry pictures of George opening his Superman shirt may be my favorites from the whole season. He was SO excited he could barely stand it. This is something that he had seen and wanted months ago, and when he saw what it was he could not contain himself. He squinted his eyes shut, clutched the shirt to his chest and squealed, "This is what I wanted for my WHOLE LIFE!" It was pretty much to die for. Thank you Madeline, for this very happy surprise.

Pearl wasn't quite as entertaining to watch, but she was pretty darn sweet. She was so sleepy (it was late) that she was kind of in slow motion and not totally herself. Little cutie. Her face in this first photo makes me smile, and I love the ones of her daddy giving his tired girl some lovin'.

She did manage a few smiles.

Adam had Pearl's name and I love so much that he went to Gymboree all by himself and picked her out a pair of baby jeans and a shirt. Melts my heart, I tell you. He also got her some Jazz and BYU gear, of course. Here she is opening them up.

We took our exhausted littles home to bed and woke up to our baby girl chirping happily from her crib, announcing her readiness to experience her very first Christmas. Ohhh, how I love being a mama. So much delight on days like Christmas that I can hardly stand it. We brought our little Penguin into our room with us for a bit. Daddy changed her diaper and she just smiled and smiled. She is joy, this little girl of ours.

After a few minutes of playing with Pearl, John and I decided to wake George up to go get started-- we had a busy day ahead of us. Poor little sleepy boy was not quite ready to get up (notice how he slept in his Superman shirt).

Pearl was most happy to help us wake her brother. She is very good at climbing all over people who are trying to sleep.

Once we roused him enough that he understood that it was Christmas morning he perked right up and was all smiles, ready to go see if Santa had come.

We went into Pearl's room for a few quick pictures of the babes in their Christmas jammies.

And then they were off. In fashion very typical of my children, busybody Pearl led the way while her sweet big brother followed.

His reaction when he saw presents under the tree and realized that Santa had indeed been to our home.

George was in charge of "reading" the names on the tags and passing out the presents. He was so careful to examine all of the letters on the tags and was pretty delighted to find his name on the majority of the presents. Pearl just wanted to eat the garland.

A close second to the Superman shirt for Delightful Reactions to Gifts was his "flying, orange, furry, dinosaur Pillow Pet." He had asked Santa for that exact thing (very specific, this little boy-- no mistaking what he wanted :)), and he was thrilled to find that Santa had totally delivered.

These two boys are best friends. Really, they love each other so much and their relationship brings me such deep joy. I don't even mind that I am a distant second place in the quest to be the favorite parent :). It is funny because when people see just me with George they comment on how he must be a mama's boy (he really does love me and is constantly cuddling up to me and telling me he loves me for no reason), but I just tell them that is because they haven't seen him with his daddy. Oh how I adore my boys,

Opening stockings. Pearl was pretty happy about the clementines that Santa put inside.

Pearl crawled all around, content to watch her brother open presents and happy to get a spare piece of wrapping paper here or there to chew on.

Aside from a little teething rattle that George picked out for her, we didn't buy Pearl a single present. I was feeling a little bad about it so I decided to wrap up some of the little baby food pouches that I had bought to bring along to The Beach with us. We don't really do baby food at our house (she gets bits of whatever we are eating if it is appropriate, but she still mostly just nurses), so this really was a treat for her. Even though her face in this photo would lead you to believe that she wasn't happy about this present, trust me, she was :). Holy cow, this picture cracks me up.

See, she liked them, I promise.

And this "life saver" was a hit, as well.

John and I had pretty much decided not to get each other anything real impressive. It was a pretty low key Christmas all around, and we thought it would be wise to save our pennies for other things down the road. I followed this plan, John did not. I was shocked to open up a pretty little wide angle lens for my camera. It was love at first sight. Here is a shot of our messy, Christmas-morning living room with our new lens.

A happy Christmas morning was had by all :).

We left our house in a hurricane of crinkled wrapping paper and strewn-about boxes and rushed up to my parents' house for Christmas Morning Take Two. I love having a big family and younger siblings who are still so excited about Christmas. Here is a wide angle shot of the living room before we got started on stockings.

George was so excited about his new chair and some Playmobile toys (among other things).

And although she didn't say so, I am positive Pearl was pleased as punch to be among the family members with Jazz jerseys. (We are big Jazz fans, what can I say?) How freakishly cute is the little onesie style of this jersey?

Just for kicks and giggles, check out the fantastic frog lamp that my pretty mom got from my dad. My mom and I had seen these a few months ago at a furniture store and thought they were so cool. I secretly passed this information on to my dad and he delivered (like he always does-- he is the King Gift Giver. Just ask John what my dad got him).

Christmas afternoon was spent at John's sister's house with his family and we sadly totally forgot the camera. I was bummed not to have pictures of Logan and George playing "Don't Break the Ice" together and of all of us eating a lovely lunch. Luckily we left for The Beach with all of them that night and I have plenty of pictures of that :).

Here is one:

Are you a fan of the wide angle? Mmm, I am. More to come.

beauty for ashes

(Disclaimer: this post is heavy on words/phrases that probably won't make sense if you are not the same religion as I am. I am terribly sorry if this is completely confusing to some of you, and I really won't feel bad if you don't read any of it. I also want to say that I do not have any agenda in posting this other than that of recording my feelings-- feelings that happen to be of a spiritual/religious nature. If that bothers you, you'll probably want to skip this post. I promise to get back to posting pictures of my kids soon, but this was important for me to document, too :).)

I don't often post blogs with a ton of text and zero pictures, but I've been thinking about writing this down for a while now and I feel like it is important enough to record and share here. There will be so many posts full of Christmas decorations and parties and presents and I feel like it is necessary for me to also take a few moments to focus on the supernal gift of the Savior of the World during this season. I don't think that the spiritual part of my life is proportionately focused on here, and since it makes up such a huge part of my day to day life I feel like I should write about it more often.

I gave the lesson in Relief Society (a sunday school-type meeting for the women in our congregation) on the first Sunday of this month. I had planned to teach about the Savior (as this was going to be our "Christmas" lesson), but as I studied talks and scriptures in preparation I felt impressed to talk more specifically about the atonement of Jesus Christ. In my research for the lesson I came across a talk by Elder Bruce C. Hafen that was truly one of the most beautiful and inspiring things I've ever read. Perhaps some of you have read this before, but I hadn't, and it really is worth passing along. The full text can be found here, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. I am going to go ahead and write down some of what I presented in the lesson here and will include many quotes from that talk, but you really should read the full text.

I started the lesson by having a sister in the ward read a personal story written by the mother of one of my students. Kathy Soper is an incredibly gifted writer and editor, and she also happens to be the mother of a little boy with Down Syndrome who I have had the privilege of teaching for the past two years. I came across her blog quite awhile ago and read something she had written about her experience in giving birth to Thomas (her son in my class) and the way that it had impacted her testimony of the atonement. Her words are here, and are so incredibly beautiful. My favorite parts:

"When I was first awakening to Christianity I found it difficult to fully sympathize with Jesus. I didn’t doubt that what he endured was awful, much more awful than anything that man has endured. But after all, he wasn’t a regular guy. Didn’t being a demi-god give him just a wee bit of an edge?
It took me years to realize that, in fact, Jesus’ supercapacity did not work in his favor, so to speak. Actually, the opposite was true. Yes, he was stronger–much stronger–than any of us. But that just meant he was able to bear far more. It didn’t make it easier. It just made the depths much, much deeper. And that’s just the beginning. Not only did the depths exceed any place within our ability to grasp, but he also had the capacity to free himself from those depths at any given time.

This is the stunning truth of Christianity: that a being not only voluntarily suffered beyond our puny mortal comprehension, to free us puny mortals, but also sustained his suffering through his own power. His body did not manufacture its own misery, as a woman’s does during labor. He was not just a willing participant in an act beyond his control. The circuit of pain could remain open only through his own unflagging will.

I still cry every time I think about Thomas’s delivery. I’m frightened by the memory of pain so keen and commanding. And I’m ashamed of my weakness, ashamed that I had, even for a fleeting time, looked for an out.

But God is wise enough to not offer us outs in times of creative extremity. No, that’s a torment he reserved only for himself."

Oh, I just think that is so powerfully written, and I am left feeling so awed by the impossible gift of the atonement. I can't comprehend it-- I can't even imagine it, really-- and yet, I do feel it. I feel the personal and tender effects of it in my life on a regular basis and I am so stunningly grateful for it.

Then we talked about D&C 19: 16-19 and I am not really going to go into that part here, but basically we discussed that we all will have moments of "trembling because of pain" (though obviously we weren't comparing ourselves to the Savior), and that we are required to give the gift of our will to Heavenly Father in the same way that Jesus did. The moment we will be fully cleansed (from sins, weaknesses, sadness, inadequacy etc.) will be the moment that we make a complete offering of our will, which is likely a lifetime pursuit.

After a few personal stories (mine and others), I moved on to the bulk of the lesson which was from Elder Hafen's talk that I referenced earlier.

We talked about the under-emphasis that we, as Latter Day Saints, sometimes put on the role of the Savior's grace in our lives. We tend to focus on the importance of doing works (because faith without works is dead, right?) and fulfilling OUR end of the deal. Which, according to Elder Hafen, may actually be a disservice to ourselves and even a little bit of a slap in the face to the Savior who MEANT for us to USE His grace. Yes we need to do our part, but in reality, our part is nothing compared to the amount of grace that the Savior offers us to make up where we fall short. Here is a quote (emphasis is mine):

"The Savior himself was not concerned that he would seem too forgiving or soft on sin. Said he, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. … For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matt. 11:28, 30.) He spoke these comforting words in the context of asking his followers to develop a love pure enough to extinguish hatred, lust, and anger. His yoke is easy—but he asks for all our hearts.

His words do not describe an event, but a process. He does not request the answer to a yes-or-no question, but an essay, written in the winding trail of our experience. As we move along that trail, we will find that he is not only aware of our limitations, but that he will also in due course compensate for them, “after all we can do.” That, in addition to forgiveness for sin, is a crucial part of the good news of the gospel, part of the victory, part of the Atonement."

I loved thinking about how freely Christ offers me His grace and am making more of a concentrated effort to recognize all of the moments in my day-to-day life that I could ask Him for a little dose of that.

The rest of Elder Hafen's talk discusses two other areas (aside from compensating for sin) where the Lord's grace (through the atonement) blesses us. Those two areas are: 1)sweetening the bitter things in life and then 2) coming to the point of attaining divine perfection.

We talked about the things (besides sin) that bring bitterness (meaning heartache, sorrow, disappointment, or just strife in general) into our lives. There are so many things in life to be sad about, so many things that are hard. Do we view the atonement as the bridge across all of the bitterness we see/face everyday? I know that I pray when I am having a rough day or something, but I do not typically think, "Holy cow, I am having such a bad day, I need a dose of the atonement!" Elder Hafen stresses that we do not use the atonement enough throughout the minutes of our lives to sweeten the bitter things we taste.

"Life is a school, a place for us to learn and grow. We, like Adam and Eve, experience “growing pains” through the sorrow and contamination of a lone and dreary world. These experiences may include sin, but they also include mistakes, disappointments, and the undeserved pain of adversity. The blessed news of the gospel is that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can purify all the uncleanness and sweeten all the bitterness we taste...

...Bitterness may taste the same, whatever its source, and it can destroy our peace, break our hearts, and separate us from God. Could it be that the great “at-one-ment” of Christ could put back together the broken parts and give beauty to the ashes of experience such as this?"

We talked about how much more personal and rich our relationships with the Savior could be if we consciously tried to use the atonement more in our lives each day as we dealt with anything that was less than ideal. I mentioned that this would be such a beautiful way to keep our covenants to "always remember Him." If we actively connected with the Savior, through the atonement, in any and all of our adverse places we would be more fully keeping our covenants.

We then talked about how one of those "bitter" places that tends to plague women is the feeling of inadequacy.

"The Savior desires to save us from our inadequacies as well as from our sins. Inadequacy is not the same as sinfulness—we have far more control over the choice to sin than we may have over our innate capacity. The Lord will not save us in our sins, but from them. However, he can save usin our inadequacies as well as from them. A sense of falling short or falling down is not only natural, but essential to the mortal experience. But, after all we can do, the Atonement can fill that which is empty, straighten our bent parts, and make strong that which is weak."

Um, I love that. Holy cow, I cannot get over what an enormous, life-changing, soul-stretching blessing the atonement is. I feel like I just kind of cheapen it with all of my adjectives.

After discussing those parts of the atonement, we finished up by briefly talking about how as we come to apply the atonement in those other areas (sin and bitterness) something remarkable happens. We become like the Savior. Our countenances become like His, our nature becomes like His, and we progress in our quest for divine perfection. It is like this beautiful cycle that propels us to where we want to be.

"Through the Holy Ghost, the Atonement makes possible certain spiritual endowments that actually purify our nature and enable us to live a more “eternal” or Godlike life. At that ultimate stage, we will eat the fruit of the tree of life and partake of God’s divine nature. Then we will exhibit divine character not just because we think we should, but because that is the way we are.

The purpose of the endowment of charity is not merely to cause Christ’s followers to engage in charitable acts toward others, desirable as that is. The ultimate purpose is to transform his followers to become like him:“he hath bestowed [this love] upon all who are true followers of his Son, … that when he shall appear we shall be like him.” (Moro. 7:48.) “At-one-ment” thus seems to mean not only being with God, but also beinglike God.

Another affirmative endowment of grace is the gift of hope, which blesses us with the state of mind necessary to deal with the gap between where we are and where we seek to be. As the remission of our sins makes us lowly of heart and meek enough to receive the Holy Ghost, the Comforter fills us with “hope.” (See Moro. 8:25–26.) The gift of hope offers peace and perspective, like the encouragement we feel when a close friend gives us insight about a difficult problem and we sense that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Such hope can be literally life-sustaining when given us by the Savior, for the light at the end of life’s darkest tunnels is the Light and the Life of the world."

Obviously there wasn't time to read all of these quotes in the lesson, but I wanted to record them here. After reading some of Elder Hafen's words, and discussing them a bit more, I closed the lesson by paraphrasing/reading some of these stories. I'll include the full quotes here because they really are THAT good.

"After Adam and Eve had partaken of the tree of knowledge, the Lord barred the way to the tree of life. They needed the time and space and shaping purpose of mortality. (See Alma 42:5.) They needed to taste the bitter in order to “prize”—to grasp the meaning of—“the good” represented by the second tree. The Lord never intended that we should partake of the tree of life and thereby gain full access to perfecting grace before we have stumbled and groped to learn all we can from the disappointments and surprises of this vale of tears. We, like Adam and Eve, must make the best of our circumstances. We need not apologize for the typical untidiness of those circumstances. It is their very lone and dreary nature that allows them to shape us as they do. Perhaps we can only appreciate and comprehend the gift of eternal life after we do all we can do. Until we are prepared in what may look like very imperfect ways to receive them, we are not ready for the gifts that perfect our nature.

In his dream of the tree of life, Lehi found himself in a dark and dreary wasteland and saw others surrounded by a great mist of darkness. The pathway home from this darkness was the way to the tree of life—the same tree, I suppose, as the one from which Adam and Eve were barred until they, too, had walked the trail Lehi took. The path was marked by the iron rod, the word of God. (See 1 Ne. 8:7–30.) Holding fast to this rod in the mists of darkness, we, as did Lehi, grope and move our way homeward. As we do, we are likely to find that the cold rod of iron will begin to feel in our hands as the warm, firm, loving hand of him who literally pulls us along the way. We find that hand strong enough to rescue us, warm enough to tell us that home is not far away; and we summon our deepest resources to reciprocate, until we are again “at one” in the arms of the Lord.

It is so important for us to be on the Lord’s side. But we should never forget that the Lord is also on our side.

Each of us will taste the bitter ashes of life, from sin and neglect to sorrow and disappointment. But the atonement of Christ can lift us up in beauty from our ashes on the wings of a sure promise of immortality and eternal life. He will thus lift us up, not only at the end of life, but in each day of our lives.

“Hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God … giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might, he increaseth strength. … They that wait upon the Lord shall … mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” (Isa. 40:28–31.)"

I have some questions for God. There are a few things that I struggle to understand and wonder about. I pray for clarity and answers often. The most overwhelming feeling that always comes when I ask is that I have received enough of a testimony of the things that are important to keep me on the path that I need to be on. One of those things that I am undoubtedly, 100% certain of is the reality of the atonement of our Savior. Tears burn down my cheeks now as I type this and feel the assurance, once again, that our Savior did in fact, suffer in the Garden of Gethsamane, that He did take upon Himself the weight of my sins, that He felt the confusion I sometimes feel, that He understands my feelings perfectly, that He suffered so that I would not have to suffer as much. I know that this incredible event that I truly struggle to wrap my mind around, really did take place, and that I will be blessed in countless ways forever because of it. I don't know how it happened, but I know that it did. And I am so, so grateful. So grateful for the opportunity to celebrate the birth of the Christchild this week. The birth that made all of these infinite blessings a reality.